The One

Trying to organize my thoughts. I’m going to be 34 years old in 8 days. I’ve never had a relationship last longer than 9 months. I’ve never had anyone say they love me. Several of my previous boyfriends/interests have married the very next woman who came after me. I don’t have any friends my age that are single. They are all married or in long-term relationships. And then there’s me. I’m sure my mom keeps wondering why I don’t settle down with a nice boy and have some kids, but she really has no idea how much I’ve tried. It’s not like I’ve had anyone knocking down my door asking me to marry them or have their baby. I keep wondering what’s wrong with me. Or if I missed some window where there was going to be a guy that wanted to settle down and get married to me. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like? Luring men into have sex with me so I can feel good about myself for just a little while? One of those women who is inexplicably single well into her 50’s? The thought terrifies me. I have no desire to be single and independent for the rest of my life. I want to have kids, share a life, have someone who is always there for me. Unconditional acceptance. Trust. All that stuff.

And then there’s the boy. I had the meltdown the other night and then he calls me today like nothing ever happened. But I’ve had plenty of time to think about everything and I don’t know what to do. I have felt for a very long time that he is the one. I haven’t ever felt this way about anyone in my whole life. And I have fought it for such a long time. Basically since I met him. I’ve tried everything to get past him. I tried antagonizing him, fighting him, being angry. I tried not speaking to him. For 8 months. I tried dating other people. A lot of other people. I even tried hypnotism. I tried tricking myself into thinking he meant nothing, and we only ended up closer. So what do I do? What else is there to try?

He admitted to me that he has feelings for me. Clearly he does since he continues to talk to me after everything we’ve been through. He has just as much trouble giving me up as I do him. Which makes it even more difficult to figure out what to do. How do I give him up? The truth is that it would require me to rewire my entire life because our lives are so intertwined. We have the same friends. His mother just invited me to Thanksgiving a couple of days ago. My mother even asks about him from time to time. We do the same things. Go to the same places. I don’t think we know how to be apart. Or how to ‘just be friends’. We never have been able to do that. After four years, I doubt any of that can change. I think the only way for me to get away is to leave this town. Forever. But I can’t do that at the moment, and even if I could, I don’t have anywhere else to go. Fate has decided to torture me for just a little bit longer. Or maybe he really is the one.