7 Terrible Days

So this was the worst week I've had in a really long time. I even made an effort to let everything go. I haven't really talked to the boy since he came over the other night. I have no plans to call him. I went to the film festival pretty much every night and tried to meet new people and be the fun, witty girl, and every night I just came home feeling as alone as ever. The one night that my girlfriend wanted to hang out with me, she didn't tell me where she was until almost 11pm, when I was already home and just out of the shower. She even called me lame because I didn't want to come out. I was exhausted. This is the same girl who was too busy to help me move, to busy to even have a conversation when my brother was in the hospital, and too busy to talk to me when I had my meltdown with the boy. The same girl I've only seen twice all summer because she never has time for me. The same girl that was to busy for to see me on my birthday, even though less than 24 hours before she promised we would hang out. Part of me wants to cut ties with her, but the other part of me knows that she is the only person I have, even though she is a huge disappointment at the moment. And I'm always hoping she'll step up to the plate and be a real friend to me.

So I've spent the last seven days feeling lonelier than I've felt in years, wondering why I have no friends who want to be here for me, wondering why I can't meet any guys who aren't crazy and won't treat me like trash. Thinking there really is no one out there that will ever want to have me as a priority in their life. That I am going to be alone for my whole life. I'll be that lady with the funeral where no one shows up, because everyone in my family already died and no one else even knows who I am. And maybe I'll have that biography that talks about the sad little life I had as a cautionary tale to everyone else out there. Don't be a smart woman. Don't wear glasses. Don't enjoy sex. Don't have feelings. All of these things will doom you to a life of users and people who will ridicule you. I dare you to come up with evidence to the contrary.

And so here I am. Alone. 34. Friendless. Boyless. I have no one who will be here for me. Oh yeah, back to the boy. I've put a lot of thought into that whole situation, and realized that I'm that girl that keeps saying "Oh no, he's different from the last guy. This is totally different. He cares about me." Nevermind that he has a girlfriend that he has no intention of leaving. Nevermind that we rarely hang out in public. Here is my latest revelation: he is pretty much in the same category as the prof. One of those guys that calls me and uses me for no other reason than because he can. Because I let him. Because I think he has feelings. Because I think I matter to him. But the real truth is that if he cared about me he wouldn't treat me this way. If he really had feelings for me he wouldn't have a girlfriend. Whatever I have imagined is pure fiction. It's some fairy tale I have concocted, and all the women I talk to about it are too nice to tell me that he is using me and just wants a quick fuck when his cankled girlfriend is out of town, which is pretty much all the time. He and I don't share anything special, he has no feelings for me, and I have just been the practice girl for four years. I would love to sit him down and get his perspective on all this, but I know that he would just stare at me the way he does and say "I don't know", like that actually means something. But it's really just an act that he's been honing of the sensitive guy who has been hurt and is too verklemt to ever talk about his feelings again. I call bullshit. Nothing is not something. So I have no intention of calling him. I have no idea if he'll ever call me again. But if he does, we have to have some sort of conversation because this can't continue any longer. It's time to change.

Yes we can?