Research

I got to thinking tonight that I must be getting old. I'm excited about medical and retirement benefits. When did I become that person? I guess maybe my parents finally nailed it into my head that life isn't worth living without a $15 co-pay and a company matching 401k. And it all kicks in come March. It's not even a career, (yet) but it's still a start.

I also started thinking about the wreckage of my life's relationships, and finding the issue is such a downer. One hypothesis I have is that guys don't think of me as the type of woman who becomes a girlfriend. I don't really know why. Perhaps you might have some thoughts on the matter, since you're one of them. I have several reasons why they might not see me as in it for the long haul, such as the fact that I'm fairly spontaneous, which could translate to not able to commit. I don't have a serious job (although I have sweet health care now), which could translate as unstable. I have a sense of humor, which could translate as kind of lesbo, asexual, or manly. I'm relatively intelligent, which could translate as manipulative, bossy, or domineering. I like sex, which could translate as slutty. Or kinky. Take your pick. I tend to say what I feel, which could translate as clingy or just plain crazy. I don't talk about how much I love kids, or how much I want to get married, settle down, buy a house, and so on. That doesn't mean I don't want those things. It just seems kind of silly to talk about it when it's not a real possibility. And I always thought guys don't like it when you talk about those things because it makes you seem kind of crazy. Maybe that's the reason guys only want you when you're already in a relationship. Because that's the only way they know you are relationship material. And since I'm not often in what I would call bonafide relationships, few people ever really get to see me that way. So could it be that the only way to get a boyfriend is to get a boyfriend? How long would I have to keep said boyfriend? Is it just a more primal version of social climbing?

I know women who are never single, they just jump from one relationship to the next. I've never been able to understand that. It almost requires some form of cheating, which I've never been on board with. I have a friend who is nuts and she still manages to have guys fawning over her on a regular basis. Guys that meet her once and are suddenly in love and know they are destined to be together. I'd like to know what her secret is. I've seen her with dudes and she acts way dumber than she is and plays with her hair a lot and finds ways to touch them. Maybe I just come off as bitchy. But I guess that wouldn't count for guys that actually know me, even though they still would rather have some incredibly boring and less hot girl than me. And they usually marry the very next one, so I must be triggering something.

I'll be doing some research in this area as soon as I am well and have a paycheck to spend in some trendy bar.