Next year
I still haven't talked to a single person this year. At least not a conversation. And not with anyone I know. Canada guy is the last person I chatted with. He was most likely gay. Anyway, in light of my pathetically depressing life, I have decided that next year I need to go somewhere for New Year's. I don't really care where, as long as I have some sort of plan. Interested? I was thinking maybe Paris or Hawaii or Australia. Somewhere far far away where it's ok if I don't know anyone because I had to fly over lots of water to get there.
All I know is that I'm tired of feeling old and alone. I'm starting to realize that my parents think I'm a failure because my degree was nothing more than some sort of formality for a "hobby" I have. They really just want grandkids and to see someone provide for me. I can't help thinking the same thing. Where did I screw up? I thought being educated was a good thing to do, but it hasn't gotten me anything. Not even employed. I guess that when I was younger I just assumed that through the natural course of life, if you weren't some sort of weirdo or loser, you would find the person you would spend the rest of your life with, and everything would just happen. Maybe I am some sort of weirdo or loser and I just don't know it. I can't imagine what I do that keeps me alone all the time. People I know are confounded too. They try to set me up and it never works out. I'm starting to resign myself to the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. It's almost half over now. I wish I didn't know what it felt like to not be alone. Then I wouldn't know what I'm missing.
This is so pathetic. One would think that there would be someone out there for me and I wouldn't have to struggle so hard to find him. One would also think that I'm smart enough to feel happy without having someone there. That I'm educated and independent enough to not whine like this.
I can't help it. When I wake up I want someone there to say good morning. I want to come home and have someone here watching tv. I want to use words like us and we instead of I and me. I guess that's it.
All I know is that I'm tired of feeling old and alone. I'm starting to realize that my parents think I'm a failure because my degree was nothing more than some sort of formality for a "hobby" I have. They really just want grandkids and to see someone provide for me. I can't help thinking the same thing. Where did I screw up? I thought being educated was a good thing to do, but it hasn't gotten me anything. Not even employed. I guess that when I was younger I just assumed that through the natural course of life, if you weren't some sort of weirdo or loser, you would find the person you would spend the rest of your life with, and everything would just happen. Maybe I am some sort of weirdo or loser and I just don't know it. I can't imagine what I do that keeps me alone all the time. People I know are confounded too. They try to set me up and it never works out. I'm starting to resign myself to the idea of being alone for the rest of my life. It's almost half over now. I wish I didn't know what it felt like to not be alone. Then I wouldn't know what I'm missing.
This is so pathetic. One would think that there would be someone out there for me and I wouldn't have to struggle so hard to find him. One would also think that I'm smart enough to feel happy without having someone there. That I'm educated and independent enough to not whine like this.
I can't help it. When I wake up I want someone there to say good morning. I want to come home and have someone here watching tv. I want to use words like us and we instead of I and me. I guess that's it.
posted by Ocean | 12:49 PM
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