All Out
You've been quiet lately.
I have to get this off my chest, even though you will have no idea what I'm talking about.
I'm scared. I'm 32, single, and broke, and even though I keep putting myself out there, I'm scared. Scared that I'm going to fail to find someone who likes me and scared that I will succeed. I thought I'd met someone at one point in time that I was going to be able to spend the rest of my life with, and he ended up treating me like a piece of furniture. Women thousands of miles away are more attractive to him than I am. The guy I dated in the fall was the closest I've come to moving on in almost two years. And I've spent the last few weeks licking my wounds and realizing that the perfect guy doesn't believe I am even close to perfect. Only that I might look better with matching throw pillows. So I have to try to move on, which is terrifying and exciting all at the same time. It's kind of like Christmas where I get to meet someone who isn't a loser, and who really wants to meet someone for real. I know some good stuff, and then it's up to me to figure out the rest and fill in the blanks. What if he likes me? What if I like him? And actually, it's not the dating that I have problems with, it's the staying. I'm great on first and second dates, maybe even for a few weeks, but it seems that after that, the magic is gone and he loses interest. Can these guys really stay the course? Am I interesting enough to be with in the long term? Can it lead to something more serious because I am interesting? The thing is, if I do end up with something more serious, I have to really really let go of the idea of this perfect guy, which seems even more painful than knowing I have the charm of a sofa. I have a week to obsess about how I am screwed in either situation.
I fly home tomorrow for a week. Part of me is looking forward to it, since I've done nothing but hurt since I came back to town. I know it's naive to think it, but I always feel like I can leave my problems here when I go there. It never works, of course, since I always have plenty of time to think and realize how disappointed in me my parents are. It also reminds me of how few friends I have, particularly when getting to and from the airport involves someone I have to tip. Anyway, I'm hoping for an injection of enthusiasm, since I am clearly all out.
I have to get this off my chest, even though you will have no idea what I'm talking about.
I'm scared. I'm 32, single, and broke, and even though I keep putting myself out there, I'm scared. Scared that I'm going to fail to find someone who likes me and scared that I will succeed. I thought I'd met someone at one point in time that I was going to be able to spend the rest of my life with, and he ended up treating me like a piece of furniture. Women thousands of miles away are more attractive to him than I am. The guy I dated in the fall was the closest I've come to moving on in almost two years. And I've spent the last few weeks licking my wounds and realizing that the perfect guy doesn't believe I am even close to perfect. Only that I might look better with matching throw pillows. So I have to try to move on, which is terrifying and exciting all at the same time. It's kind of like Christmas where I get to meet someone who isn't a loser, and who really wants to meet someone for real. I know some good stuff, and then it's up to me to figure out the rest and fill in the blanks. What if he likes me? What if I like him? And actually, it's not the dating that I have problems with, it's the staying. I'm great on first and second dates, maybe even for a few weeks, but it seems that after that, the magic is gone and he loses interest. Can these guys really stay the course? Am I interesting enough to be with in the long term? Can it lead to something more serious because I am interesting? The thing is, if I do end up with something more serious, I have to really really let go of the idea of this perfect guy, which seems even more painful than knowing I have the charm of a sofa. I have a week to obsess about how I am screwed in either situation.
I fly home tomorrow for a week. Part of me is looking forward to it, since I've done nothing but hurt since I came back to town. I know it's naive to think it, but I always feel like I can leave my problems here when I go there. It never works, of course, since I always have plenty of time to think and realize how disappointed in me my parents are. It also reminds me of how few friends I have, particularly when getting to and from the airport involves someone I have to tip. Anyway, I'm hoping for an injection of enthusiasm, since I am clearly all out.
posted by Ocean | 1:02 AM
1 Comments:
Sorry I haven't posted much in return. I've been going through some winter blues myself, I think. I am completely unmotivated at work and then some, let's say, "interesting" management decisions haven't made exactly helped.
I know I sound like a broken record and that I'm just sending out platitudes when we talk about your relationships. No, there is no easy answer but I do believe that you will eventually find someone that makes both of you happy. Will it be tomorrow or 10 years from now? I have no idea. Remember that Jen was 36 when we met.
You should be encouraged that you get 2nd dates and more...at least, they're not bailing mid-date or after the 1st one? ;-) And, really, who could be *more* interesting than you?! Hang tough, kiddo!
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