Frustrated

I'm frustrated. I could go on a big rant about it, but in the end, it's not that big of a deal. I've been on the depressed side most of the day, and I haven't wanted to think about why. I've just been trying to forge ahead and not think. Just keep getting things done. I just want to get through the next week, do some artwork, and go home. Get some sleep. Same old stuff.

Comfortably Numb

Tomorrow I'm going to see my friends that I haven't seen since last Thanksgiving. It will be nice to see them, even though I don't really feel like going at this point. At this point I'm just trying to get through the holiday without imploding. I'm trying to get a book made and some video edited, so I'm hoping that will keep my mind and hands occupied enough to keep me going. Today I got to a point where all I wanted to do was lay in bed and do nothing. So I laid on the couch and watched some movies in Spanish until I fell asleep. And then I dreamt about the boy, who in my dream kissed me and then turned into a white stallion. So when I woke up, I was even more pissed off, because that seems like a 'happy' dream, and I don't want to have happy dreams about people I want to strangle.

Right no I'm watching a movie about Pancho Villa (with some not that great dialogue), and pretty soon I'm going to start making my chocolate dessert things to take with me tomorrow. And then the book. Maybe some champagne. Whatever it takes to keep me as numb as possible.

This Week

I'm on vacation this week, which means that I'll be able to catch up on a few things. I already fixed the last book I made, and I'm thinking I might be able to make another one tomorrow. I wrote text and edited pictures today. Tomorrow I'm also planning on making some holiday goodies. Chocolate truffles, peanut butter balls, and sugar nuts. The last one just because it makes me chuckle every time I say it out loud. I haven't made truffles in a few years (basically since I moved out of La Jolla), so I'm actually looking forward to doing it this season. For dinner I'll be going to a friend's house, which was interesting last year. I've known this couple since I moved here, went to their wedding, etc. I went to their house last year also, and learned that she has some odd ideas about what should be served for Thanksgiving, and is not a great cook. But I don't mind. I'm just glad that they would think of me and want to invite me over. So I have lots of stuff to look forward to, if last year is any indication: pineapple, avocados, macaroni and cheese, and banana creme pie seem to stick out in my mind.

I'm almost ready to talk about the boy situation, but not quite.

I had a long talk with my mom today about my work/school situation. I think I'm going to take next semester off from school, then take a sabbatical from work immediately after to work on my thesis and *hopefully* finish and graduate in December. She said she and my dad might be willing to help me out financially during that time when I wouldn't be making any money. So we'll see what happens. It's nice to know that I can count on my parents when I really need them. Plus I'm really excited about the possibility of finally finishing school for good. The idea of not having homework sounds both amazing and foreign. Not sure what I would do with myself. But it's still an exciting proposition.

So after this week, work is going to explode with all sorts of stuff, meaning that I'll be back to freaking out in no time at all. I'll also be going home in a couple of weeks, so that will be a nice break. My mom told me today that she already made an appointment for me to get a massage, which I was pretty excited about. I'm not really one to turn down massages. No idea what else will happen, but I'm sure there will be some visits with high school 'buddies' and passive aggressive tension with my sister.

Anyway, I'm super excited about not working until next Monday. I slept until almost 10 this morning. Awesome.

Writing

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my birthday. So I'm going to a bar to have some drink and sing some songs. Not that much diferent from usual, except for the songs. I'm still not sure if anyone is going to show up besides myself. Things are so complicated these days. Oh well.

So I've been on a 'diet' lately, which means that instead of eating dinner, I make popcorn and pretend that's my dinner. I suppose it's working. I've lost about 5 pounds. But poundage is so strange, you could lose that in a day if it's hot enough. So I'm never really quite sure. Sometimes I still feel really fat, and other times, I'm okay. So I'm sitting here wondering if a diet is really necessary, since no one is telling me either way what I need. Second opinions are good, but dangerous.

I've also talked to a bunch of people about my school/work situation. My boss has given me the okay to take a sabbatical next year from May to October. I just have to figure out how it would work financially. It's a little tough to concentrate when you can't pay the rent. So I'm still trying to figure it out. But for now, I'm forging ahead with the whole festival thing. I'm taking next week off, but in reality, I'm not taking time off. I'll just be at home working. But at least I'll be at home.

There are still boy issues, but I'm still not sure I want to talk about them. It's all so confusing, so I'm not sure what to say. It's not anything outside of that. I just don't know what's going on. Things get pretty confusing in no time at all. Blech.

I'm flying home in a few weeks. Not looking forward to it. TSA is apparently my new enemy. It's times like these that I really wish I was wealthy so I wouldn't have to deal with the stuff that regular people have to deal with. I just want to come and go as I please, as it should be.

On another note, it's raining here. A lot. I'm hoping it will be over soon. Something about rain in Califronia, but I feel unprepared. I don't have enough sweaters, not enough socks, not enough blankets. I've been spoiled with sun and now I don't know what to do with myself.

Anyway, sorry about the boring post. Vodka sometimes hinders my writing abilities.

Break!

Words can't really express how happy I am that I'm going to get a break next week. I think I cleared 60 hours last week, and I've been getting up early and going to bed late all this week between school and work. I'm exhausted. I told my boss I wasn't going to work next week, and he doesn't like it, but he's okay with it. It will be a good chance for me to catch up and rest. I'm also celebrating my birthday this weekend, starting tomorrow, with daily events through Sunday. What's the point of getting older if you can't enjoy it? So, this weekend will most likely include lots of food and alcohol. I'm looking forward to it. I almost don't even care if anyone else shows up.

The school situation is looking a bit better. I've talked to a few other professors about my work, and they were more enthusiastic than my regular professors. I was beginning to think it was hopeless. So I have little bit more hope than I did a week ago, but I'm still going to take next semester off. I keep remembering last year, when I cut off part of my finger, locked myself out of the house, and almost got into a car accident all within a 24 hour period. I'd really rather not do that again.

I'm going home in a few weeks, which should be interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing my family, but I'm not looking forward to the TSA groping. When will people learn that "security" is the opposite of freedom? Ten years ago, we could wear shoes, carry water, lip balm, and even hunting knives on planes. Now you can't even wear a bra without arising suspicion (or maybe it's actually something else that is aroused...) And for the record, I don't feel safer. I just feel more violated.

Anyway, that's it for now. I'm exhausted.

The Tin Man

I finally ended the craziest week of work. Worked Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Friday night (until 2 am) and Saturday morning. Plus my regular 9-5. Last night I was in charge of making some stupid fucking party go smoothly, and today my boss thanks some idiot whore who half-assed the party and didn't do a fucking thing to help me yesterday PUBLICLY on Facebook. Seriously??? All she did yesterday was wear some skanky tight dress and fling her fake boobs all over the place. She didn't help with registration, she didn't check to make sure things were okay, she didn't even speak to me the entire evening while I was making sure everything went smoothly. While I was making sure we didn't lose our shirts paying for this ridiculous, unnecessary party. And then I had to get up and organize a workshop by myself this morning at 9am. I know I shouldn't need to be recognized, but I'm pissed. The truth is that I don't really need to be thanked, but it is pretty annoying to have someone who did little to nothing get recognized in public, while I get nothing at all. Perhaps something will be said at the staff meeting on Monday, but I'm sorry, not good enough. When you're going around thanking people in public, don't thank the people who make my life more difficult. It pisses me off. It makes me not want to work with you anymore.

On another note, I get to experience other people's happiness tomorrow. Last month was the wedding, so this month I get the next dose by going to a baby shower, which I know is going to be painful. I know these women, and they excited about this stuff. It's also the first for this family, so the first grandbaby phenomenon is in effect, and I know I'm going to have to grin through it. I'm also worried that there isn't going to be alcohol because of the whole pregnancy thing, which will make it sting all the more. No numbness for me. Plus, I will be driving to Newport, so I have to be careful about numbness anyway.

So really, just shoot me now. I'm still watching everyone else get the life I'm looking for, and I'm still not a millimeter closer to it. And I'm getting older and less marketable. More out of shape. And the whole exercise gets more pointless. The Tin Man was lucky. Dorothy tricked him.

What to Do

So I've been thinking about how she's mad at me for some stupid crap, trying to figure out how to respond to her tirade. And somehow the only answer I can come up with is that I shouldn't respond at all. I refuse to grovel and tell her how sorry I am about something I never did or intended. And it's pointless to try to defend myself, because she already decided that I'm wrong. So saying nothing is the best course. But the bad part about that is that she'll be mad about that, too. So I'm basically screwed no matter what I do. So this friendship that has lasted over 15 years might just be over because I wished her a happy birthday on facebook and don't call often enough. Awesome. On the bright side, if the friendship is over, there will be much less drama in my life. But this is her choice.

I'm still thinking about quitting school. I have an appointment with my grad adviser on Monday. We'll see what he says. I have to go to school tomorrow and show my professor the book I made this week, as well as show her my new ideas for work that I'm thinking of doing.

I also had a meeting with my boss at the community college. I discovered that she has big plans for me to teach more classes and have more responsibilities in the coming years. I knew she wanted me to stick around, but I didn't realize she had such a grand plan for the future. And this is after my other boss said he might want to 'buy me out' of teaching there (even though he can't afford it, and all I really want is medical benefits). So I'm a bit confused at the moment.

There's boy issues too, but I'm not prepared to divulge. Maybe some other time.

Crappy Day

Today was a crappy day. And nothing really happened. It was just one of those days where I felt like I was walking knee deep in mud, and wasn't getting anywhere. Work was sitting at a standstill, and even seemed like it was sliding backwards. I got to a point where I was just pretending to do work because it seemed like actually doing work was undoing work that I had previously done. And the catfights between two other women I have to work with was really getting to me, where I just wanted to scream. They're ridiculous issues with each other was actually making more work for me, which was pissing me off. I wanted to fire them both. But I can't. I'm stuck with pretty much everyone I work with, whether they suck or not.

I also got an email from Cheryl, telling me she was mad at me. I had no idea, because I haven't done anything to her. There is literally no reason for her to be mad at me, but these were the ones she gave: I didn't call her, and I wished her a happy birthday on facebook. Apparently, I was supposed to call her or something. Don't worry that I actually visited her a week later, but apparently a facebook birthday is unacceptable. Who knew? And for the record, that's all she did for my birthday, and she's unemployed. It's not like she doesn't have time to do other things. Like send a card. Like the postcard I sent her from Spain. Yes, I suppose it's neglectful for me to be busy with a job and traveling overseas and only send a postcard, instead of talking to her on the phone for 3 hours. I might add, that if I did call her, she would just bitch about how much she hates her life for the entire three hours, and expect me to listen to it. The lack of fun things to talk about doesn't entice me to call. And apparently, that's a one way street, and she can't call me. All of this was news to me. Anyway, it really bummed me out that I was being blamed for all her problems and unhappiness when I haven't done anything mean to her.

And then there's this oppressive feeling of loneliness that just appeared out of nowhere, and I wasn't quite prepared for it. I just felt like there's no one on my side, no one to talk to, and no one to trust. I'm so tired of having to deal with all of this alone, and deal with every person on my own. Even when there is somebody in my life, they end up being a whole other source of frustration and drama that it's almost easier to not have them at all.

But anyway, the short version of the story is that today sucked. And I wish I didn't have to work tomorrow. Or that I could have just a couple of days off and spend them as I wish, without anyone expecting anything from me.

In the Hole

A lot has been going on. I dressed up for Halloween. I voted. Work has been insane, and the other day I started a conversation with my boss about whether or not he could offer me full time work, since that's basically what I do anyway. I'm also still thinking seriously about quitting school. It's a tough decision.

I'll be working every day this week except for Thursday night. I think I calculated about 50 hours at the very least. And I'm not supposed to work more than 32. Hmm.

So for Halloween I dressed up and went to a couple of parties. It was interesting. I haven't downloaded any pictures, but I was Mother Nature. Not sure if I even got any good pictures. At the house party I went to, some guy named Tyler started talking to me. He was cute and made me laugh, so it was all okay. And then he told me that he is a magician and makes balloon animals, and I judged. I couldn't help it. And I felt like a jerk because I'm not much better. I have a dorky job also. And then, some guy dressed like a woman (who didn't tuck, by the way) started grinding on me and suddenly Tyler was nowhere to be seen. I have to admit I was a little sad.

So now I'm back to being the loser with no money, no partner, no prospects, no nothing. Not that I ever got away from that, but sometimes it feels like I'm about to pull myself out of this hole and then it turns out that there hasn't been any kind of improvement whatsoever.

Go figure.