Waiting

My rent is going up. By 5%. It doesn't seem like it would be a big deal, but it's over $40. Yes, it was written into my lease that the rent would go up after 1 year, but kind of thought they were kidding about that since I've never seen anything like that written into a lease. And yes, I'm still getting the place below market value, but it just sucks because I don't have a lot of extra money to throw around for the same thing I've been getting. And I thought they would write me a letter to remind me, but they just sent me an invoice like they always do with a new amount due. It just sucks. A lot.

I realized today that the summer is over. All the things I wanted to do with my 'free time' didn't happen. I'm not really bitter about it, but I am kind of bummed about it. I wish I had something to point to and say I did that, and I guess I do, but it's just not what I wanted it to be. I didn't make anything, I just worked. A lot. Lately I've been feeling like my job is about to swallow me up and I don't know what to think or what to do about it. Will I be working for peanuts forever, struggling to pay the rent? Will I ever be able to take a vacation and not spend the next 3 years paying it off? Will I ever be able to buy something nice for myself? Will I ever be able to give to charity? Buy something expensive without my parents' help? Buy a car? A house? Anything? It feels like I should be making some sort of progress, and I don't feel that way. Financially I'm a mess (as in not gaining any more freedom than I had 10 years ago) and romantically I'm a failure. Can't hang on to any man who shows any interest. Can't keep them interested. Or just one interested. I thought I was interesting. Guess not. And I guess I'm getting to that age where I have to settle if I want anything at all. I realized today that Facebook is ruining me, because I get to see every day all the people who were losers in high school who are still losers and somehow manage to have a family and seem happy. And here I am, supposedly 'successful' because I have a job where I get to do fun stuff, I don't live with my parents, and I feel like a complete failure because of these two things I just can't seem to wrap my brain around. I've made a habit of being in control of the things in my life and when I want something I figure out a way to get it. And these are two things that have left me stumped. I can't control them and I can't go out and get them, even though I have tried everything I can think of.

The psychic says not to worry; that everything is going to work out fine. She says I'll meet someone new before the end of the year. I'm ready. I'm waiting. Not patiently, but I am waiting.