Going Away

Today I spent my time cleaning and doing chores. Not my favorite thing to do, but my house, sheets, clothes, and fridge are now clean and sparkling. I keep thinking how nice it will be to come back to a clean house. It happens so rarely. Anyway, I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to intermittent internet access, no cable tv, and all the things that go along with that kind of thing. Truck stops. Cattle. Corn fields. Conservatives. You know what I'm talking about. It's always interesting, but it's still my family. I think I already gave my thoughts on what may or may not happen this week, so I'm not going to re-hash it. But I'm still looking forward to going home for a little while. And I'm looking forward to being away from work for a while, especially the idiot who shares my office.

So the boy is taking me to the airport in the morning, but I have no idea when he's planning to show up tomorrow. There was talk of an early morning booty call, but I don't know if he was really serious about that or if it was just a joke. I guess we'll see, right? Anyway, I'm already packed and ready to go, so either way, I'll have some extra time on my hands if I need it.

Totally different subject, but why is card counting illegal? It seems like if you are smart enough to figure out how to count cards, it's the casino's problem. They have such an advantage over the average schmuck in just about every game, it sounds like sour grapes to me that they don't want people to outsmart them. And if they really don't want there to be a game where people can count cards (i.e. a true game of chance), then why don't they just stop having it? Pare everything down to craps and roulette. Nobody can count that. Anyway, it seems like they're a bunch of a-holes about the whole card counting thing. Apparently being smart IS a liability. Being dumb and oblivious is just what everybody wants. Then you don't vote, don't take money from people, and don't bother to change things for the better. Nice.

Anyway, if there wasn't a four hour time difference, I would probably try to call you tonight. Partially because I'm bored and wide awake, but also because it's been a while since I've talked to you. Believe it or not, I actually miss you when we don't talk, even if there's nothing new going on. Feel free to call me any time during the next week. The time difference will be less, and I'll most likely be bored to death. Anyway, happy summer. I hope you're doing well. You should come visit sometime.

Meetings

Yesterday I was stuck in an all day staff meeting. Generally speaking, I don't mind being around my co-workers, but being trapped in the same room as them for most of the day is a bit trying. Mostly because of the one that is a fucking idiot. He's the guy who has been there all of 3 months and thinks he knows exactly how the organization works and how to make it better. He desperately needs a haircut (fucking hippie), and he uses words like 'cool', 'awesome', and 'radical' as if that's legitimate business-speak. I've never seen him produce anything except electronic crap. I checked out a link to his 'music', and not only is it annoying electronic whining, but it's completely lacking in structure of any kind. It's just noodling, which isn't music. And yes, I do consider myself to be an expert. So anyway, I spent most of the day wishing I could punch him in the face.

Then we had a working lunch, then later in the afternoon when to a bar for beer, which ended up being working beers. By that time, I was pretty tired of talking about nothing (rewording our mission statement seems kind of pointless to me, especially when it takes 2 hours), and the beer and fatigue was making it even more difficult to tolerate the ridiculousness of his idiotic comments.

So basically, I spent the whole day just sitting there being irritated. Any time I tried to say anything, I was interrupted, so I eventually gave up and just waited for the end to come. I finally got to the end when one of the other guys said something in poor taste and that was about all I could handle. So yes, the meeting started at around 9.30, and ended around 6. Not the most stressful day ever, but definitely not the most enjoyable, either.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm going home to see the family and hopefully relax a little bit. And get some work done. Their intermittent internet access should keep me from wasting too much time. The boy is supposedly going to take me to the airport in the morning, so that should be interesting. Apparently he had some family drama over the weekend, but he declined to tell me what it was all about and I didn't push too hard.

On Friday I'm going to some dive bar back home to meet up with a random group of people I went to high school with. That should be interesting, especially since I wasn't that popular in high school and most people haven't seen me since then. I expect it to be a bit awkward, especially when we all realize how little we have in common and I'm not exactly in a position to brag to everyone about how great and fulfilling my life is. Yikes. I never really thought about meeting my high school classmates again. What a potential disaster.

I'm a Moron

I give up. Again. Again again again. For the millionth time. I realized today that I am certifiably insane. I keep dating guys, keep thinking this time it's going to be different, this time it's going to last, and then after about 3 or 4 dates, he mysteriously disappears, leaving me to wonder what the hell happened. Same thing, over and over again, with the same predictable results. So yes, chalk another failure up in my long line of failures. The boy hasn't talked to me since Wednesday. So far I have one unanswered text and one unanswered voice mail message. And either he's dead or he's pretending I am. It's another devastating blow to my self-esteem. The kind where I feel pain all the way down to my fingertips. I didn't get out of bed today until 4pm. Well, I got up at 8.30 am for about 4 hours, then went back to bed, closed the door, and laid there, sleeping intermittently for the next 4 hours. Sounds exciting, right? Or just pathetic. Yes, I like the guy a lot. But it's almost like every time this happens, it's like being abandoned by every guy all over again, along with all the ones that have jerked me around repeatedly since the day I met them. And then I think about how old I am, how it's never going to work out for me, how I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do about it. It's overwhelming. And overwhelmingly depressing.

I do my best to be the kind of person I'm supposed to be. The kind of girl that takes things in stride, who doesn't get crazy after three weeks. And I wonder how I look to everyone else. Do I look as crazy as I feel? Is the guy out there telling everyone about this crazy chick that won't leave him alone? Telling people he has a new stalker? I feel like it. I haven't been driving past his house, or calling and hanging up. Just obsessing. And wondering if I still have a ride to the airport, wishing I didn't have to worry about it. Thinking about the old boy and hating him, like it's all his fault or something. No, it doesn't make sense, but it happens.

He's supposed to be out there. He's supposed to be waiting right around the corner to make me the happiest girl on the planet. But I've been around the block, and he's nowhere to be found. He left with some other girl a long time ago. And now I'm getting old and I have no direction and I'm broke and I'm left wondering who in their right mind would think that I'm at all worth the trouble. Sure, I'm fun and hilarious and sassy, but at the end of the day, I'm not the safe girl with the career and the normality. I'm the circus you go to so you can feel like a kid. And then you go out and get yourself a proper girlfriend that you can take home to the parents and bring to your company dinners. I'm not that girl. I'm not sure why, but I see the writing on the wall. I'm the in between entertainment, or the extracurricular entertainment before he gets another girlfriend or goes back to her. And I have to start looking for the next huge embarrassing disappointment. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? Right now, the only bright spot is that I'm going home for a while, where I don't have to think about what a loser I am and why no one likes me. Or why no one continues to like me. Seriously, I'm stumped. I've often wondered if there is a simple answer to my problems. Is it because I have sex with them? Should I hold out until I have some sort of commitment? It seems they lose interest even sooner when I withhold. But then again, I'm a giant moron when it comes to this stuff, so what the fuck do I know?

So anyway, this is another new low that I should have seen coming a mile away. I was warned that he was a fast mover a long time ago, and for some reason, I thought maybe he was different. Or something. And he's not. It kills me that I was warned and ignored it, and now I'm upset. I feel like an idiot. I feel hopeless. And I'm drinking. Actually, I've had drinks every night this week. It seems easier when I'm numb. It helps me sleep.

Vacation

Okay, so that's pretty much what I thought. Thanks for answering my questions. Basically it's all pointless unless I can slow him down enough to get him to look at it and appreciate it. Like taking him to a museum with a bar and expecting him to look at the paintings. He's just there for the drinks.

Today was my last day of actual work before I go on vacation. I have an all day staff meeting on Monday, but that's basically just me telling my boss about all the things I want to do in the coming year. New programs and so forth. I'm actually trying to work out a way that I can visit the major film festivals as a part of my job without having to beg/nag my boss in order to go. And program another film festival. And produce some films. We'll see if any of it works out. He kind of already knows what I want to do; we just have to lay out the plan so it happens during the next fiscal year. Anyway, that's it, and then vacation.

I'm actually looking forward to going. I haven't been home since Christmas of 2008, so it's been a while. Maybe I'm getting old and sentimental, or maybe I'm just perpetually lonely, but I've found over the last few years that I actually miss my family when I don't see them often. And it's usually cold when I go, so I'm looking forward to nice weather and horsebackriding too. Supposedly my mom is scheduling a massage for me, so we'll see if that happens. At least it will be nice to get away from all this crap for a while. Maybe not worry about the boy(s) for a while.

Meh

Today I painted my fingernails and toes bright red. Haven't done that in ages. I'm not very good at it, but good enough. Good enough that I don't need to pay somebody forty bucks to do it for me. Anyway, I got to wondering, is that hot on a woman? I mean to have the mani-pedi thing? I've always kind of wondered. I don't do it very often because I have a hard time not using my hands and feet long enough to let them dry. I've also wondered if matching lingerie is hot. Some guys seem to really get off on it, while others don't seem to care at all. Do guys even care about it at all, matching or not? I know I bought some pretty lacy bras a year or so ago, and to date, not a single guy has remarked about any of them. They seem more concerned about getting it off than anything else. Although, the other night while playing pool, the new boy made a remark about my g-string peeking out above my skirt. He seemed to like it, even though it didn't get me any that night. Is it just a foreplay thing? The thongs can do the tease thing, but not so much with bras. By the time my shirt comes off, the teasing portion of the evening is generally over. So what's the point? Is there any? I just don't want to waste more money if it doesn't matter. Anyway, just thought I'd see what your thoughts on the matter were.

So obviously I'm not hanging out with the boy tonight, but we had a little text-versation this afternoon. It's always interesting. A little teasing, a little innuendo, blah blah blah. Not that I don't like it; it actually brightens my day. It's just not as much fun as the in person thing. So we'll see if he has time for me any time during the next week.

On another note, I think I'm going to try to go to Cannes next year. It seems wrong for me to not be there. I'm still planning to go to Spain this fall, and maybe Havana again. And I'm ready to make some more movies. I think I'm going to start some sort of charity to make all that happen. Or make some wise investments or something.

Also went to a City Council meeting yesterday. Long story that I'm not going to go into, but I definitely got a lesson in civic engagements. I watched the little guy get crushed by a giant corporation, watched the conservatives pull the rug out from under their more liberal counterparts. It was really annoying. I hate that the government ends up being something that only works for you if you have lots of money and lots of lawyers. Otherwise, you're fucked.

Anyway, that's about it. Undergarments, nailpolish, boy, travel, civics. Meh.

Thoughts

I think I'm going crazy. I just put the smack down on some bitch on Facebook who tried to correct me about Hemingway's hangouts in Paris. Seriously? How pointless is that? Still, I don't appreciate someone I don't know trying to make me look stupid, especially when I'm not wrong. I even looked it up to be sure. What a bitch. Seriously, I hope she gets a hair in her soup next time she goes out to a restaurant with her smug bullshit self. Anyway, just a little rant to get things started.

But anyway, yes, I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm frustrated at work, broke, and I have little to nothing to do with myself. Meaning I have no direction unless someone gives me one. How pathetic is that? And now that I don't have homework, I don't know what to do when I get home. What does everyone else do? I read a little bit, watch movies, started making a book, cook food, etc. Is this what regular people do? I have no idea. I always seem to have things to keep me busy and I don't have to think about it. I don't make a habit of cleaning the house. Maybe that will happen temporarily. It seems strange to think about it. Me, a housekeeper. It sounds so absurd.

Anyway, aside from that, I still feel crazy. The boy is driving me nuts. He pays just enough attention to me to keep me thinking he's interested, but not enough for me to think he's jumping in with both feet. So every day I debate whether or not I'm going to call him or text him or do nothing at all, and I never get to a good answer. I just end up doing or not doing something at that particular moment. A friend said he must really like me if he went to the museum with me. Could it be that simple? Does he actually like me? Perhaps he likes me and is afraid to get too involved. Maybe he's busy. Maybe he's stringing me along like all the others. I can't tell. For someone who is so open, he really is a mystery. Which makes it twice as frustrating. And I'm trying really hard to be careful not to scare him off by being too insistent or whatever.

How does one avoid that pitfall? I mean avoid it without making him think I'm not interested. Grrr. I like this boy. A lot. It seems like every time I see him, I get a little goofier, a little less cautious, and he just stays the same. Or at least that's how it looks to me. Anyway, I'm not sure what I should be doing. Your thoughts?

Blech

Blech. It's been really cold here lately. At least cold for May. I'm wearing a coat and a scarf. I should be wearing shorts and tank tops.

So I'm trying to get some things done for me over the next few weeks, starting with cleaning my house and getting some writing done. It's amazing how much time I can waste when I really want to. Even though there's no reason for me to do so. I suck. Seriously.

I also don't understand boys. At all. So I went out with the boy on Thursday and we had a great time, he texted me at midnight on Saturday to say he was going to sleep, and I haven't heard from him since. I left a voice mail yesterday, and no call back. Not super suspicious behavior, just kind of disappointing. I have had a hard time figuring out if he really likes me, since he seems to make no secret that he's attracted to me, is not ashamed to be seen with me in public, and is actually really nice to me when we're together. We have a great time when we're together. But then I don't see him for a while and I kind of feel like he doesn't really miss me. Like if I disappeared it wouldn't be a big deal to him. But I don't really know what's going on with him. It's still new, so there's no telling. He could just be being careful or he's just busy or I don't know what. I've been hoping to hash out with him what the deal is and where this might be going, but I haven't had the chance, and to be honest, I'm a little hesitant to do so. Those kinds of conversations always come off as needy, even though they're more organizational than anything else.

Someone I know said it sounds like the guy really likes me, but I feel like that could just be because of the way I described him. But then again, he did go to a museum with me, and I got him to dress up for it, so maybe that is a sign that he's willing to take one for the team. Except that there was free food and drinks, so who knows? Maybe eating and drinking is his weakness. I know it's mine.

Anyway, it would be a shame to lose this one. I actually like him, and we actually seem to fit in a weird way. I just worry that he's looking for a fling while I'm looking for something a little more substantial. So we'll see if it ever grows into something more. He's supposed to take me to the airport next week. I guess we'll see about that, too.

Dinners

It has been an interesting weekend. It started Thursday with the impromptu date/family meet n greet. On Friday, I met with a friend and a couple of therapists to talk about a potential film at some place that had very good food. And the guy paid for all of the check while we weren't looking. There was something a little weird about the guy but I can't quite put my finger on what it was. I got home later than I imagined since it was supposed to only be a meeting, but no big deal. Then yesterday I vegged out on the couch all day, thinking about the stuff I need to do before I go home and not doing any of it. And then a friend of mine sent me a text that said 'want free wine?' Duh. Of course I do. So I show up at the time and place she said, having little to no idea what I'm in for.

So it turns out that it was a whole 5 course dinner with wine pairings for each course at this new Italian restaurant. My friend is part of a camera crew that is shooting a reality show about the place, and it's going to air some time in July on Food Network. Or something like that. So I show up, and THEN I realized that I wouldn't be able to talk to my friend because she's actually working. And I'm standing there by myself. Great. I tried to hide in the corner, but one of the camera guys (who I also know) told me I had to sit over at another table in the middle of the whole thing. So yes, there's a good chance there will be a fair number of shots that involve me and my stupid face.

So I forced conversation with the two other girls at the table, which was like pulling teeth in the beginning, until they'd had a couple glasses of wine. And by the way, the food was awesome. And so was the wine. I have to say that having cameras and eating in the same place is a little scary for me. I wanted to make sure I didn't look like a voracious vulture on national cable tv, so I ended up eating slowly and taking really small bites. Which is kind of a challenge when cheese is oozing all over the plate. Anyway, around the dessert course, they brought an extra 3 chairs over to the table, and suddenly some Macedonian guy named after a condiment was sitting next to me, along with his sidekick and two women that apparently everyone knew except me. So the little guy was cute, but I'd like to think that I'm getting a little better at spotting d-bags, and he was definitely one. Just a different breed. Euro-douche, which is probably one of the less desirable. He apparently has some wine bar or restaurant or something that was close to the place, and he lecherously told me I should come to the place. Whatever. Anyway, we all moved inside to the bar, and the next thing I knew he was performing his act for one of the other women. Yes, Euro-douche is gross. But it gave me the chance to finally talk to my friend a bit more.

And then the wine really hit me. So I snuck out and curled up in the back seat of my car for a couple of hours before driving home. It's a solid half hour drive, so I was happy when I finally got home. And of course, I woke up at 7am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. I'm supposed to go to a cookout for my ex-roommate's birthday this afternoon, which should be interesting. And dinner tomorrow with her dad. Not as weird as it sounds, I promise.

So it's been a busy weekend. I kind of dig it. I just wish I'd had some time with the boy. Or more time. I wished I had asked him to go to the dinner with me. But I didn't because I didn't want to interrupt his time with his cousin and I didn't know what I was going to. If I'd known it was going to be a kick ass dinner, I'd have invited him for sure. And then he would have been around to keep the d-bags away. Especially the ones named after condiments.

Alpha

School's over. Awesome. I just spent the last 2 hours reading about film directing. Do other people do this? Get away from their obligations and then choose to do the same thing anyway? I'm a little bit concerned that there's something wrong with me. But only a little bit.

So I was supposed to go out with the new boy on Wednesday night, but he ended up being a no show because he had to work late. Frustrating and disappointing, but not really a big deal. Last night I went out with some friends to see an old Mexican movie that is supposedly the best Mexican film ever. So afterwards, I called the boy just to chat and see how things were going. He was out with a visiting cousin, and he promptly invited me to come out for a drink (with the caveat: Are you ready to meet family? Make sure you bring protective head gear.). Of course I'm going to go. So I get to the bar, and meet his cousin and her friend who have just driven here from somewhere in Arizona and we drink. I'm not sure what he told them about me before I got there, but they were definitely aware that we've been hanging out and are sleeping together. At one point when he was at the bar getting drinks, the cousin's friend turns to me and says 'so you're interested in our boy?' to which I respond, 'well, yeah; he's good looking, smart, funny, cool...what's not to like?' and she says 'I know. You're all right too.'

So yes, I've been vetted, I guess. I'm hoping the approval of the girls will push him more into the direction of something more semi-permanent. Or whatever you want to call it. But it was a good time. I haven't hung out with him and other people before, and last night I realized that he is one of those alphas. He's the guy who always has a plan, always has something to say, and always draws attention to himself. I can relate to that. I think this is the first time I've dated one of those. In the recent past it's always been guys who can't make decisions, who flake out, who ask me to make decisions, and who stand in corners quietly while I entertain the troops. Not that it's bad to have someone let me run the show, but it's also nice to have someone else taking care of things. Last night I didn't have to get any of my drinks, or figure out what to do next, or keep the conversation going (not that the conversation was difficult anyway, but you know what I mean). Anyway, that's the latest. I'm dating an alpha.

The Arsenal

So my semester is over. I turned in my last major project this afternoon. Then I had a beer in the painting studio. I was supposed to get together with the new boy tonight, but he apparently had to work late, so it didn't happen. So I have proceeded to lay on my couch, watch movies, and drink vodka. Kind of a bummer, actually, but so far I've kept it together. I'm more bored than anything else. It's weird to not have school stuff going on. Not that I'm upset about it. I actually started thinking about all the stuff I want to do now that I don't have assignments to keep me busy.

Anyway, I'm bummed that I didn't get laid tonight. I was really looking forward to it. Seriously, how can a man resist this? I even made promises involving his junk and my mouth. Either I'm not as good as I thought, or he's just weird. That's probably the most powerful thing I have in my arsenal of bribery, and it did absolutely nothing for me today. Dammit.

Birds and Vodka

There are these birds that live outside my house. I'm not a bird expert, but I think they're mockingbirds. They have all sorts of songs they sing. Normally, I'd be down with the whole bird thing, but I can hear them now, set at extra loud. Don't those damn things ever sleep? Sometimes they imitate sirens, which is extra awesome. I also woke up one morning to them sounding like a telephone ringing. Nature is awesome, isn't it?

The new boy and I are supposed to go out tomorrow. The other boy (not the old one, the other one--I know it's getting confusing, but bear with me) texted AND called me today. I love that he freaks out as soon as I don't answer, yet he never feels the need to return my calls. I have to say I do get some satisfaction out of giving him a taste of his own medicine. And yet, I called him back and he didn't answer. And he still hasn't called back. Obviously it's not that important to him to talk to me since I called him an hour after he called, and now it's over 12 hours later, and I've heard nothing from him. So how seriously am I supposed to take him? I don't think of myself as the girl sitting by the phone waiting for some guy to call, but apparently he does. Whatever. I'll be interested to see how things go with the new boy tomorrow, if we actually end up hanging out. I keep thinking about how awesome Napa would be. I can't help it. The thought of having a date for something fun and cool and romantic is something I don't get to consider very often.

Moving on...

I finished my term paper tonight. It's supposed to be 15 pages, and I barely got to that number. Maybe not my best work, but at this point I don't care. I'm just glad to finish it and be done with my semester. Well, almost. I have one more paper to write, but it's just a one page thing. Nothing major, just a little pain in the ass thing. A technicality. I plan on having tomorrow be my last day on campus until August, which is quite the respite from academic bullshit. I also checked out my summer class, which appears to be full. I'm thinking it's a glitch in the system, since the class is never full. It's usually about half full.

So now that I'm pretty much done with the rigamarole of Spring 2010, it's a Tuesday night and I'm having strawberry-basil infused vodka. Listened to the neighbors have sex about an hour ago. They just got a puppy (violating their lease, by the way), and I can't help but wonder what the puppy is doing while they're going at it. Ah, young love. I'm also thinking about outdoing them when I get my hands on the new boy. It's pretty much at the point where I feel fairly comfortable with him, so the sky's the limit. Well, almost. Let's just say, the more comfortable I get, the more willing I am to take the initiative and use my creative flair to come up with new and exciting ways to improve my evenings. And, by association, the evenings of whoever I'm with. Which should be the new guy.

I haven't tried anything new and exciting in a while. Comfortable, yes, but new, no. There have been things with the old boy, but it's usually fairly conventional and perfunctory. I'm hoping to engage the new guy in all sorts of things that make us both happy and gives us a complete evening of entertainment, rather than ten or twenty minutes that I'm used to (if I'm lucky) with the old guy. Yes, I like the marathon. I like being sore for days after. I don't even mind having marks. As long as it was fun and memorable. I like trying new things. I think you know that. I'd like to make some use from my trapeze days, should the opportunity arise. Like I said, I appreciate the opportunity to put my creative talents to good use.

Anyway, I think the birds and the vodka are getting to me.

Under Appreciated

Do you ever feel really under appreciated? I have really been feeling that way lately. Now that the film festival is over, everyone acts like the stuff I do doesn't matter, isn't important, and doesn't bring anything to the organization. Or thinks I should be doing more. Or they simply ignore me. The other day my boss asked me if I documented a workshop (that he didn't pay me to attend) with any pictures. Not only did he not pay me to be there, he never asked me to get any pictures. But then he was all disappointed because "it would have made a great blog post". WTF? Am I now in charge of maintaining a blog for the organization as well? To be honest, I'm pretty tired of all this social media bullshit, mostly because the fuckhead who shares my office is always giving 'pointers', as if I don't know how to write a blog or update facebook. What a fucking tool. I've been doing this longer than you, my cracked out no tax paying gypsy fuck. And go get a haircut. You look like a pedophile. Seriously, every time he answers the phone, he uses this deep 'soothing' voice and it makes my skin crawl. And the fact that he's running our youth program creeps me out even more. I don't think he's a pedophile (just a crackhead), but he sure sounds like one. I find him incredibly creepy in that way. But I digress...

So then, I also spent time shooting and editing videos for the organization quite a bit last year. I mentioned to the girl who runs that program that I still have 3 videos for which I haven't been paid. So I asked her about the invoice she needs, and she sent me an email back saying that I needed re-edit the videos AGAIN. So I shot 3 videos (figure 2 hours each=6 hours), then edited them once (2 hrs ea=6 hrs), uploaded them (1 hr), re-edited them (another 6 hrs), re-uploaded them (another hour). Now she wants me to re-shoot some things (another 6 hours) and re-edit and upload them (another 7 hours). How many hours is that all together? 32 hours? For $525? And that's not counting travel time to go to re-shoot, not counting the time on the phone spent trying to coordinate shoots, downloading footage, or the possibility of technical difficulties. That's $16 an hour for my master's degree that she should just fork over the cash for. I couldn't fucking believe it. I'm really pissed and I feel like she took advantage of me. Or at least wasted a whole bunch of my time. And I'm not really willing to waste any more of it on these stupid videos I don't even care about. So I deleted my videos from the website. They are mine, after all. She hasn't bought them. Not to mention that I uploaded them and submitted them the second time back in December, and if I hadn't made the point of asking her about them, she never would have thought of it to begin with. And this is the girl that works 40 hours a week and then acts like she has no time to get her work done. Are you fucking kidding me? I put on an entire film festival for 20-30 hours a week without a single freak-out. Did anyone give me a pat on the back and tell me how awesome I was? Well, yes, but she wasn't one of them.

Part of me wonders if everyone is just jealous because I have the coolest job there. I get to watch movies, hang out with filmmakers and actors, and go to film festivals in foreign countries. I get interviewed on television and people seek me out for advice. My job is fucking cool. And I fucking rock it out like no one else. None of them have the least idea how to do my job, and they have no appreciation for what I actually do. I actually know stuff. I spent an obscene amount of money getting educated about the industry, and no one seems to understand that it's not as easy as I make it look. I work well under stress, I can talk the talk and walk the walk, and I do it (usually) with grace and aplomb. And I'm the only one in the organization who is taking the initiative to learn a second language so I can better do my job. Oh and don't forget that I'm getting an MFA (going to school full time) during all this. It's easy, right? And, I gladly offer to help them when or if they need it. So what do I get?

I get dirty looks when I say I could use an intern. I get blank stares when I talk about upcoming screenings. I get sneers when I talk about attending film festivals. Fucking awesome. It's great to have no one give a fuck about what you do and how hard you work to get it all done. A-holes.

Is That Possible?

I'm so close to being finished with this semester I can smell it. And it smells good. It's one of those times where I feel like I'm actually closer to being finished for good. And yes, it feels good, but not as good as it would feel if I was actually done. I'm so close it's like being teased with the promise of a cookie, but I just can't quite reach it. But yes, it will feel good to have a bit of a break. Catch up on all the work I wish I'd had time to do all along. I'm particularly looking forward to visiting home and seeing the family. Call me sentimental, but in my old age, I'm kind of starting to like them, and want to be around them from time to time. Sure, they still piss me off, but they're still my family.

I talked to the boy today. The new one, that is. He still seems happy to talk to me, but you never know. He's still willing to hang out. He said he'd take me to the airport. I don't know, he seems like a decent guy, previous "player" status notwithstanding. Perhaps he is a player, but he pays attention to me, makes me laugh, is intelligent, and thinks I'm hot. Plus he's not bad himself. While he could be lying, he seems to say whatever comes into his mind. So yes, it's a little weird and outside the realm of what I'm used to that he and I both blurt out whatever we think at that particular moment. Is it possible to feel more uncomfortable because someone tells you stuff? Not as in 'that was awkward', but as in 'is that really possible?'. And is it? Is it really possible for a guy to tell me I'm hot, that he wants to hang out with me, and still seem distant? And yes, he does. I keep telling myself it's because he is busy, and yes, he is. But he seems distant because he doesn't seem to need me at all. But I've been accused of the same thing. Because I am often busy too. Is that possible?

On another note, I found out that a friend of mine is getting married in Napa in October. October is the perfect time to go there. The new boy loves wine, as do I. Plus, he recently said that it is a given that one should never go to a wedding without a date. October is far away. Five months. I've never been to Napa. And yes, I'd love to go with the boy, because I know we'd have a fantastic time there. Also, there is a possibility that the old boy will be there, in which case having a date would be very very sweet. As they say, living well is the best revenge. So showing up with a cute boy who likes me, makes more money than any of us, and loves the same stuff I do would be great. Especially since it would enable me to ignore the old boy completely. So yes, I've thought about the possibility of being able to keep the new boy around for longer than a few weeks. Not sure if I can do it, but it would be cool if I could.

So now you add one more boy. The boy that from time to time calls me, but tends to be flaky and unreliable. Haven't talked to him in at least a month. He sends me texts from time to time, and I answer. So yesterday he texts me at 7am to tell me he wants to hang out on Friday. I don't answer. Hours later, he sends another one that says 'or maybe not'. WTF? Am I supposed to jump whenever he says he wants to hang out? Promptly answer him, even though he's never felt the need to answer me when I call? Am I a dog? Needless to say, I'm a little ticked off that he got all snotty because I didn't immediately answer his call. What an a-hole. Am I right?

Anyway, I know that's not all I've been thinking about, but I've already bitched out the new guy at work, so I'll save that for another time. I just wish my boss didn't think the crackhead shits gold. Seriously, share an office with him for a day, and you'll see what a fucking idiot he is. Not kidding even a little bit.

Trouble

Still having trouble working on this paper/presentation. Argh. I hate this crap. I don't technically have to work, tomorrow, but I don't exactly have the day off either. I have to go to some workshop to provide 'support'. Whatever that means. Nevermind that I have a stack of books 3 feet high that I need to go through, and I need to organize my presentation and get my thoughts together for the paper. I will be so glad when this is all over in a week.

Talked to my mom today. She sent me a check that made my day. And she also asked me if I would have time to get a massage while I was home, or if I wanted one. Really? Yes, Mom, I would love to have a massage. She also told me we could go shopping, which sounds great, but she means shopping at the health food store, not Macy's. Oh well, at least she's on the right track. It will be nice to visit home again.

So anyway, I'm hopefully going to be able to finish this paper by Tuesday. At least, I'm going to make a go of it. Wish me luck.

Outages

I am so tired of the guy who shares my office. He is a fucking idiot. And what's worse, he has no idea what a fucking idiot he is. He thinks he's brilliant. In the last two months since he's started sharing my office, he's told me he knows how to build a touch screen, a 3D tv, has missed a grant deadline, and has 1000 flyers professionally printed with missing information (the kind that is really crucial). He also periodically "rearranges" things for no reason and without telling anyone. You know how long it took me to find the manila envelopes? And do you know where he put them? In the bathroom. Granted, we keep certain things stored there because it's so big, but generally not office supplies. Usually it's things you can wait to get to if there's someone in there. Things like posters or old files. He would have rearranged the office again today if I hadn't been there to stop him. I swear, just fucking leave things where I put them and go take something to help you relax. I seriously think he smoked something before he came in today, because he right away started rearranging things, and when I wouldn't let him rearrange the furniture, he cleaned off his desk (which I was actually thankful for). However, he didn't stop there, and proceeded to clean EVERY surface of his desk and computer with Windex and a paper towel, then moved his desk to make sure it was exactly flush with the wall. I wanted to fucking strangle him. A couple of hours later he showed me the flyer he printed that was somehow missing the hours of the classes we're offering, bitching about how he sent the wrong pdf to the printer. I suggested he get rid of the old ones, and he said no because he knows the difference. I told him he was smoking crack because the evidence against that was in his hands, and he gave me a look like I'd spoken the truth. I am 95% sure this guy is on something at least 80% of the time he's in the office. I suppose I wouldn't mind, except that he is also a fucking idiot. He has a tendency to use a lot of buzz words, like 'social media marketing', and seems hell bent on changing the way we do everything, even though he has no database management skills, html skills, or even computer scripting skills. He knows how to twitter. Sort of. I've had to tell him on more than one occasion not to post something he thinks is funny or cute because our boss will not appreciate it. Mostly because it will make our organization look like we are also idiots and not just him. I've threatened him with bodily harm for taking pictures of me while I'm eating lunch, or taking video of me without my knowledge while I sing along to Gwen Stefani. I know this all sounds hilarious, but I know that once he takes a picture, all he wants to do is post it on the internet, and I would seriously have to kill him if he posted that shit on the internet. The kid has no common sense. As I said before, he is a fucking moron and I'm growing very tired of sharing an office with him. I keep praying that we will move our offices very soon and I will no longer have to deal with our power outages and his brain outages.

May

Yesterday I called to cancel my cable. It just shut itself off. I hate the cable company. They suck more than anything else I can imagine right now. I also just realized that perhaps I should invest in a wall clock since I can't use the clock on my cable box anymore. Hmm. I didn't think about that part. I don't own a single clock. I tell time through my computer and my phone. I don't even have a watch. This could prove to be a bit of a problem. Oh well. I'll figure it out later.

On the up side, at least now I'll have less to distract me from writing the giant paper I'm supposed to present on Tuesday. I've actually been doing some work, but it seems like the further in I get, the more stuff I uncover and have to add to the research list. I went to the library today and came home with DVDs. I didn't have time to get the books I needed. I'm hoping I'll have some dedicated time later. It seems like every semester I go through, it gets harder and harder to write these stupid papers. I don't know why. Maybe because they feel so pointless. Maybe because I feel like I've done enough writing and I'm tired of having to prove myself. Maybe it's because each semester, the topics get more and more vague and so I have no idea what I'm doing, which makes it hard to focus. This has been a pretty tough one, but I'm hoping I'll be able to get it done in a more timely fashion than the last paper I wrote. Last time, I literally stayed up all night writing and churned out 14 pages. I just read that paper the other night, and it's clear to me that it was done with only half a brain. I can't believe I got an A in the class. Granted, there were some great points in the paper, but half of them were weakly supported and most of them weren't fully fleshed out. Just think what I could have written if I'd actually been there for the whole thing. I just want to make sure that doesn't happen again because it is a very unpleasant thing to stay up all night staring at a computer screen.

Not much new on the other fronts. Work is kind of annoying me, mostly because school is demanding my attention and I can't seem to get out of work like I'd be able to. There's always something for me to do outside of my regular hours, and my boss is pretty chintzy with the hours that he wants to pay for, so I'm stuck getting paid about half what I should. Which is awesome since I can't afford to be paid less. Hence the cancellation of the cable bill. I just have to suck it up until July, when I start getting some checks from teaching. That should ease things up a bit. At least I hope so.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but I'm going home in a few weeks for a visit. That should be interesting. I'm not sure what the plans are going to be, but I'm hoping to hang out with mom and do some shopping. And finish my summer syllabus. Once I finish this paper (and one more book for my other class), I'll be free from school for a whole month, which will be nice. Maybe I'll finally get a chance to catch up on all the stuff I've been wanting to get done since last summer. At the very least, it will be nice to come home and not feel the pressure of having a whole other mountain of work to do. I'll be able to just fart around to my heart's content for 30 days, which will be strange and beautiful all at the same time. Maybe it will include some time at the beach, since I haven't been there since the swimming with sharks adventure.

Anyway, the weather has been nice lately, which makes doing work all the more difficult. Sigh. Living in California sure is tough. I guess that's about all I have for now.

Royal Treatment

Over the last couple of days I realized that I'm quite comfortable being treated like a princess. It doesn't bother me even a little bit. It all started with the gala, where I got to hang with all the people with money to burn and eat and drink to my heart's content. Nice. I went to LA yesterday, which was, as promised, an interesting trek. I do love Hollywood. As much as I dislike going to LA and all the hipster douchebags that wander freely, whenever I go there, I feel like I've reached the mothership. Everywhere I turn, there is something I'm interested in seeing or doing. Plus I had the most amazing hamburger I think I've ever had. I have a new favorite, which I didn't think was possible. I also ended up having lunch with the director of the panel I went to see, one of the producers, and the director he'd brought in for the workshop panels. And the girls, of course. It's always nice to feel like you know people, even though you really don't. Moving on.

So last night was a party in honor of the San Diego theatrical opening of a film we showed at the festival, and since we're involved, I was able to get on 'the list'. It was at one of the snobbiest places in San Diego (one of those places I never go because it's ridiculously expensive and wall to wall skanks). And the star of the movie was there, so it was the real thing. I love being personally escorted to my VIP table where all the drinks I have for the night are comped, and I go talk to said movie star, who REMEMBERED me from the festival and gave me a hug and said it was great to see me. Then HE thanked ME for everything we've done to help the film in San Diego. I also got the same treatment from his brother, who is the director of the film. It's awesome to be on the inside, even if it's only for a couple of minutes.

Today I went back to the museum (I had free tickets, which is a whole other story) with the old boy, and he took me to lunch after. And nothing happened. Yay, me. But the real point is that I've gotten to do some really cool things this weekend and haven't had to pay for a damn thing and got to talk to and meet some really cool people and dress up and feel special. If only it could last forever. I like it. I also like the part where I'm the center of attention. Oh, and some guy that I work with 'confessed' that he's attracted to me. And only an hour after he told me he was planning to break up with his girlfriend. Whatever.

I don't think I have any other events happening for a while, so I guess it's back to average-ness for a while. I'm going to miss the royal treatment.