I'm a Moron

I give up. Again. Again again again. For the millionth time. I realized today that I am certifiably insane. I keep dating guys, keep thinking this time it's going to be different, this time it's going to last, and then after about 3 or 4 dates, he mysteriously disappears, leaving me to wonder what the hell happened. Same thing, over and over again, with the same predictable results. So yes, chalk another failure up in my long line of failures. The boy hasn't talked to me since Wednesday. So far I have one unanswered text and one unanswered voice mail message. And either he's dead or he's pretending I am. It's another devastating blow to my self-esteem. The kind where I feel pain all the way down to my fingertips. I didn't get out of bed today until 4pm. Well, I got up at 8.30 am for about 4 hours, then went back to bed, closed the door, and laid there, sleeping intermittently for the next 4 hours. Sounds exciting, right? Or just pathetic. Yes, I like the guy a lot. But it's almost like every time this happens, it's like being abandoned by every guy all over again, along with all the ones that have jerked me around repeatedly since the day I met them. And then I think about how old I am, how it's never going to work out for me, how I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life and there's nothing I can do about it. It's overwhelming. And overwhelmingly depressing.

I do my best to be the kind of person I'm supposed to be. The kind of girl that takes things in stride, who doesn't get crazy after three weeks. And I wonder how I look to everyone else. Do I look as crazy as I feel? Is the guy out there telling everyone about this crazy chick that won't leave him alone? Telling people he has a new stalker? I feel like it. I haven't been driving past his house, or calling and hanging up. Just obsessing. And wondering if I still have a ride to the airport, wishing I didn't have to worry about it. Thinking about the old boy and hating him, like it's all his fault or something. No, it doesn't make sense, but it happens.

He's supposed to be out there. He's supposed to be waiting right around the corner to make me the happiest girl on the planet. But I've been around the block, and he's nowhere to be found. He left with some other girl a long time ago. And now I'm getting old and I have no direction and I'm broke and I'm left wondering who in their right mind would think that I'm at all worth the trouble. Sure, I'm fun and hilarious and sassy, but at the end of the day, I'm not the safe girl with the career and the normality. I'm the circus you go to so you can feel like a kid. And then you go out and get yourself a proper girlfriend that you can take home to the parents and bring to your company dinners. I'm not that girl. I'm not sure why, but I see the writing on the wall. I'm the in between entertainment, or the extracurricular entertainment before he gets another girlfriend or goes back to her. And I have to start looking for the next huge embarrassing disappointment. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? Right now, the only bright spot is that I'm going home for a while, where I don't have to think about what a loser I am and why no one likes me. Or why no one continues to like me. Seriously, I'm stumped. I've often wondered if there is a simple answer to my problems. Is it because I have sex with them? Should I hold out until I have some sort of commitment? It seems they lose interest even sooner when I withhold. But then again, I'm a giant moron when it comes to this stuff, so what the fuck do I know?

So anyway, this is another new low that I should have seen coming a mile away. I was warned that he was a fast mover a long time ago, and for some reason, I thought maybe he was different. Or something. And he's not. It kills me that I was warned and ignored it, and now I'm upset. I feel like an idiot. I feel hopeless. And I'm drinking. Actually, I've had drinks every night this week. It seems easier when I'm numb. It helps me sleep.