One of the things I always lament about my life here in SoCal is that I don't have any friends that are so super close that I can tell them anything. I asked my roommate today if she wanted to have a glass of wine today to celebrate my return to spinsterhood, and her response was "No, I'm okay." As if that means anything. Here is the subtext: Hey, I'm depressed. Come and commiserate with me. No, I don't give a crap about you.
So there you go.
Right now I'm wearing a lace bra and the sexiest lace thong I own and it's all going to waste. I can't think of a single person who would take advantage of the situation. I know there was a time in my life when all I needed was a phone call and I would get whatever I wanted.
I'm getting older. I've never has a long term relationship. I have a string of old "acquaintances" who admit to me that they wish they would have been nicer to me, had hung on to me, etc. Enough to make a pattern. I'm starting to think I might be one of those people that will be forever alone. I'm old enough to start considering that as an option. If only I had enough money to start hiring people. All that aside, it really does feel serious. The kind of serious that ends up with me in a house with a bunch of cats and a litany of guys wishing they hadn't dropped the ball and telling me how clingy I am.
Clingy? Really?
I don't even know what that means. Where that line happens. To me clingy means someone who can't be without you. Someone who needs you for every little thing. Someone who you don't like who insists on being around all the time. Someone who feeds off you like a fungus. Someone who wants to contain you like you're some kind of disease.
That's not me. Quite the opposite. I can be without. Clearly I have been my whole life. Clearly I don't need anyone for any little thing. I've been alone my whole life; there's no reason I should suddenly need anyone for anything.
But men are complete idiots. They don't know what they want until they can't have it. I've been taken for granted for more than one person in my life and I don't know how to stop it from happening. Guys should be doing everything they can think of to keep me close, not the opposite. Guys should be hoping I'm thinking about them every second of the day. Guys should be trying to impress me in new and creative ways. Flowers. Letters. And so on.
Today I saw the boy and I was going to have a "talk" with him. I couldn't do it. I don't know why. I have nothing to lose. I just wanted to clear the air and I couldn't do it. I don't know how to play the games anymore. So instead I'm going to spend the next two months (at least) trying to find myself in the wreckage the the boy has created for me for a second time. When will I learn? My heart knows nothing. It is stupider than our last president. It can't even find anyone who is remotely suitable or even interested. I'm not one of those people who enjoys the chase. I hate it. I like the spoils. The part where you get to kiss someone whenever you want. The part where you don't have to hold back. The part where you don't have to protect yourself because someone is only going to hurt you.
And my heart doesn't know the difference.
So there you go.
Right now I'm wearing a lace bra and the sexiest lace thong I own and it's all going to waste. I can't think of a single person who would take advantage of the situation. I know there was a time in my life when all I needed was a phone call and I would get whatever I wanted.
I'm getting older. I've never has a long term relationship. I have a string of old "acquaintances" who admit to me that they wish they would have been nicer to me, had hung on to me, etc. Enough to make a pattern. I'm starting to think I might be one of those people that will be forever alone. I'm old enough to start considering that as an option. If only I had enough money to start hiring people. All that aside, it really does feel serious. The kind of serious that ends up with me in a house with a bunch of cats and a litany of guys wishing they hadn't dropped the ball and telling me how clingy I am.
Clingy? Really?
I don't even know what that means. Where that line happens. To me clingy means someone who can't be without you. Someone who needs you for every little thing. Someone who you don't like who insists on being around all the time. Someone who feeds off you like a fungus. Someone who wants to contain you like you're some kind of disease.
That's not me. Quite the opposite. I can be without. Clearly I have been my whole life. Clearly I don't need anyone for any little thing. I've been alone my whole life; there's no reason I should suddenly need anyone for anything.
But men are complete idiots. They don't know what they want until they can't have it. I've been taken for granted for more than one person in my life and I don't know how to stop it from happening. Guys should be doing everything they can think of to keep me close, not the opposite. Guys should be hoping I'm thinking about them every second of the day. Guys should be trying to impress me in new and creative ways. Flowers. Letters. And so on.
Today I saw the boy and I was going to have a "talk" with him. I couldn't do it. I don't know why. I have nothing to lose. I just wanted to clear the air and I couldn't do it. I don't know how to play the games anymore. So instead I'm going to spend the next two months (at least) trying to find myself in the wreckage the the boy has created for me for a second time. When will I learn? My heart knows nothing. It is stupider than our last president. It can't even find anyone who is remotely suitable or even interested. I'm not one of those people who enjoys the chase. I hate it. I like the spoils. The part where you get to kiss someone whenever you want. The part where you don't have to hold back. The part where you don't have to protect yourself because someone is only going to hurt you.
And my heart doesn't know the difference.
posted by Ocean | 11:58 PM
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