Sigh.

I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. On top of that, I may have tendonitis in my finger (wtf?) and may also have a fracture in my rib. Isn't that great? And of course, they are both things that you can't really do anything about; you just have to wait for them to heal and be careful.

I broke down crying twice this morning because I am being crushed from the stress of my film. Luckily, there is at least one person around to listen to me vent when I'm abandoned by my family and friends when I need them most.

I'm actually glad this party is over now, because I really need to concentrate on the film and how everything is going to work out. I know I'm a bit kooky, but I confess I lit my mantra candles (I don't know if that's really what they're called, but that's what I'm calling them). They have these little silver squares on the side of them with a word engraved in it. So tonight after the party I took a hot bath and lit the "joy", "luck", and "success" candles. Those are three things I really need right now, so I guess it couldn't hurt.

We all know I need a little luck and success for this film to work out, but I must say that I got a little sad at the party. Part of the reason was because I was so dead tired from the week and work and the neverending task that is filmmaking. This is the first day I've had to just sit around and let other people do the work for me, which is a nice feeling. The other reason is the boys, which is also a neverending saga of ridiculousness and dead ends. Boy B (whose birthday was today) didn't bother to show up or call, which pretty much tells me he isn't all that into me. He knows how important this is to me, and he skipped it. Yesterday he said he might watch golf on tv instead, and I thought he was kidding. Guess not. So, long story short, I think it's pretty much over with him, since I don't have the time or energy to hash anything out with him, and frankly, I'm not emotionally attached enough to work at it. I'm tired of making it work. He needs to do it for once. I'm not really angry at him (again, not enough emotional involvement, plus, I really can't spare the energy). I just don't feel like making any sort of overtures to show him I like him. The fact that I invited him into my life should be enough proof. Oh well.

Kid A did show up, with the flavor of the month in tow. I knew ahead of time that he would be bringing her, and I must say, I'm the hottest chick he's dated in a while. (If you could even call it dating, but you know what I mean) She seemed nice enough, but she was a little weird and her Frenchness was somehow annoying. I don't know why. For some reason, I just felt obligated to tell her how much I loved Paris, and then got annoyed when she said how much French people think artists are weird. Kid A seemed well enough, and even though I would have preferred it if he had not brought the girl, I was glad he showed up and stayed for pretty much the whole time. I guess that's something. He's also in charge of taking care of my plants and mail while I'm gone, so I can't really be mad. And I'm not. Again, not enough energy to be mad. I just wish he would come to his senses and realize that there is no one better for him than me. Sigh. I'm really tired.