24 hours

It's 24 hours until take-off, and today is last minute errands. I've been trying to rest up the last couple of days, and today I'm feeling a little calmer than I have. I guess because at this point, there's not much else I can do about anything. If it's not going to happen, it's just not going to happen. I'm excited to see my family and let them see what I've been doing for the past three years, but it's also going to be stressful and full of surprises, both pleasant and not so pleasant. We'll see.

This morning I'm struck with an odd sadness, because with all this excitement going on, I really have no one to share it with. No one that says great job, girlie, that's why I picked you. And I feel like I'm faking my way through just about every relationship in my life, saying just enough to keep people on my side. Is that wrong? It just really sucks sometimes when there's not that person that is there and you can curl up and he'll hold you and tell you everything is going to be fine. Because without that, I always have to keep the game face on and hope that no one notices when the cracks start to show.

I laid awake for a long time last night thinking about the boys in my life, wondering why it never can be normal. Boy B started out normal, and then he became flaky and lacadaisical and noncomittal and hasn't bothered to lend me any moral support. I suppose it's a sad realization that he's not really interested enough for a relationship. I'm just periphery. And Kid A is supportive, but brings other girls around to keep a barrier between us, so I have mixed feelings about that whole situation. I like the support, but not the barrier. Fuck why is this so hard all the time? I was kind of liking the whole normal thing. And I'm too tired to work at abnormal things.

Anyway, I guess that's about the size of things at the moment.