Until Then

I thought I was doing pretty good. I thought I was getting over it. And then today I had to call him for a class thing, and the machine picked up and her voice was on it. It made my stomach turn and I thought I was going to throw up. I was having a pretty good day until then. And all this bad shit started going through my head again and I started to get angry again and I wish he was here so I could throw something at him.

And now I realize, I made the right choice. The choice to stay away, to erase him (and her) from my life as much as possible and start fresh without any crap dragging me down. Because as long as I'm around him, I can't get better, no matter how good I feel sometimes. I don't want to feel sick to my stomach and I don't want to shake when I'm so mad and I don't want my days to be ruined by little things. I want to love my life and the people in it, which I'm really trying hard to do. And I often succeed.

I really sucks when you think you have got a handle on things, and then you realize you really don't. You aren't even close. But I fantasize about the day I bump into them on the street, and she's gotten fat and he's gotten old and I still look hot and young and I can be glad they wound up together because the one I'm with is also going to be hot and young, not to mention unbelievably cool. And this guy with that girl will think to himself, man, how did I ever let her get away. I'm such an idiot. And maybe he'll call and try to be friends with me, and I'll be gentle and say, I have a new life now, and you have yours. This was what you wanted, and now you've got it. Suck it.

But until then, I'll just make sure to stay as far away as possible.