Alone

I've been working out for 7 days straight. I don't know if it's making any difference. I feel like I still look the same, so I'm not sure if the extra effort to look better is actually happening. We'll see. I'm hoping so. I'm planning to make it through until the end of the week, and then we'll see where I stand.

I'm learning about the harshness of working alone. I don't leave the house. Sweats are my outift for the day. I don't talk to people. I don't worry as much about showering or making sure I look okay. I just do my own thing and pretend no one else exists. It really starts to be the only way I can move forward. If I care about what other people do or say, I won't get anything accomplished. If I did care, I would have to stall during those times when no one bothers to call or see what's going on with me. And that trend has continued. Very few people have called me or contacted me to find out what I'm up to. So here is the real truth: No one really cares. No one gives a damn. All I have is me. These people who are here, who used to see me all the time, have forgotten about me. Out of sight, out of mind. It's really not that surprising. That's just how people are. No one really cares about anyone else. They are only motivated by guilt, rather than real concern about someone else. They are only doing what they think they 'should'. And I am clearly not part of what people think they should attend to. I am a passing thought. So I have to get used to that and work things out on my own. So that's what I'm doing.

Today I found myself wandering around the house eating watermelon. I wasn't really doing anything other than eating, and I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to sit, watch tv, read, write; nothing. It was that restless feeling that makes me want to move around but stops me from doing anything important. It's just a strange feeling of limbo, where I feel like I care about nothing and everything all at once. But the thing that stops me is that none of that is reciprocated. Everyone is still ignoring me. I'm still nothing but a blip on the radar, and I'm well aware of that. It's difficult to escape.

I have this schedule that I try to keep most days that include a certain kind of diet, plus exercise, plus reading, movies, and so on. And in the last few days, I have realized that having other people in my life prevents me from doing good things for myself. It would prevent me from having a good diet, good exercise, good habit, etc. So does that mean that I have to be alone forever in order to have a healthy, good life? Is having other people really just a compromise of who you really are or should be? I don't know. I'm not sure that being skinny and fit is worth the trade off of having someone love me. Not that anyone ever has, but still, it seems like the tradeoff isn't quite fair. I guess there are things that we really care about in life, and that is what I care about.