Freaking Out
I'm freaking out. I just realized that May is about to be over and I'm not nearly as far along in my work as I had hoped to be. It seems like every time I start to get a good rhythm going, I get interrupted by something. Life just happens and takes me with it like a swirling river. I keep telling myself I'm about to be able to devote all of my time to it, but in the back of my mind, I'm afraid that there's always going to be something that can take me away from it. A reason to do something else instead. It's actually kind of frightening that 'nose to the grindstone' means anything but. Why does it go so slowly? I always seem to have an excuse of some sort, and I don't want to.
Yesterday it was that a pipe burst in my house. I'm soaking wet in 3 minutes, water everywhere in 10. The day before that it was recovering from my mom's visit and administering my final. Tomorrow it will be grading that final and posting grades. Can I really only do one thing in a day? I keep thinking about all the non-art related stuff I need to do, and it kills me to think that the list of art related things I need to do is 10 times longer and I'm not making much of a dent in it. It's like the list itself is keeping me from doing anything. It seems completely impossible and overwhelming, even though I know damn good and well that it isn't. It's completely doable. I just have to do it. And it feels like I'm not doing anything because progress is slow. Too slow to keep morale up naturally. I need some external cheerleading, and right now there is none. It seems like everyone needs something from me. Support, more support, promises, or whatever. Or they are just ignoring me completely.
And all those people who said they'd be calling to check up on me? Nowhere to be found. Not checking. Not calling. Not asking. Not wondering how things are going. So I don't have the motivation to stay on top of things; to have something new to report. I'm stalling. Floundering.
So I feel like I need to bawl and scream all at once. I wrote this instead.
Yesterday it was that a pipe burst in my house. I'm soaking wet in 3 minutes, water everywhere in 10. The day before that it was recovering from my mom's visit and administering my final. Tomorrow it will be grading that final and posting grades. Can I really only do one thing in a day? I keep thinking about all the non-art related stuff I need to do, and it kills me to think that the list of art related things I need to do is 10 times longer and I'm not making much of a dent in it. It's like the list itself is keeping me from doing anything. It seems completely impossible and overwhelming, even though I know damn good and well that it isn't. It's completely doable. I just have to do it. And it feels like I'm not doing anything because progress is slow. Too slow to keep morale up naturally. I need some external cheerleading, and right now there is none. It seems like everyone needs something from me. Support, more support, promises, or whatever. Or they are just ignoring me completely.
And all those people who said they'd be calling to check up on me? Nowhere to be found. Not checking. Not calling. Not asking. Not wondering how things are going. So I don't have the motivation to stay on top of things; to have something new to report. I'm stalling. Floundering.
So I feel like I need to bawl and scream all at once. I wrote this instead.
posted by Ocean | 7:54 PM
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