Horsies

So I'm in a place with bottomless Mimosas for their Sunday brunch. I'm in heaven. Anyway, it just occurred to me how many people I've lost contact with in my life, and it makes me kind of sad. Some of them I've lost contact with completely, others are just peripheral. And I see how everyone has this life they've created that has absolutely nothing to do with how they were when I knew them, and it makes me wonder if I ever knew/know anyone. Who is actually real? Last night I went to a horse show with Jerkface's mom. She's great. But I realized at some point in the evening that she knows a version of Jerkface that none of us knew. The one that used to have goals and aspirations and cared about stuff before the ladies started trampling him. It makes me wonder how much of ourselves we compromise by being in relationships. Obviously, he's sacrificed a lot. The only thing I've ever heard him talk about with any kind of happiness or excitement is horses. It's what he's most sensitive about. And yet, it's been relegated to a teeny tiny part of his life. Basically, he's waiting for his horse that he's had for some 15 odd years to die. yes, that bothers me. No one should have to sacrifice what they love just because someone else doesn't understand. I wish I had known him 10 years ago before he got all fucked up.

So she and I went, and after we had gotten to our seats, she mentions that he might show up. Great. Just who I want to see. Jerkface and his 'girlfriend'. Fan-fucking-tastic. Oh well, I looked good, so I didn't really care too much. He called her when he got there and lo and behold it was sold out. It was kind of sad and kind of funny all at the same time. I know he would have rather been with us, but the G probably wasn't real high on the idea, so he let it go to chance and paid the price for it. I made some glib comment about planning ahead and then tried to forget about it. But then last night I had a dream about his horse dying and when I woke up this morning I felt guilty. I don't know why.

I am the woman of his dreams. I am the one he belongs with. But as I've said before, my level of respect has plummeted in recent weeks to the point where I would almost prefer to date a homeless person than him. If I could somehow find the Jerkface of 10 years ago, instead of the 2009 version, perhaps there'd be a chance. But now, I don't think so. I can't be with someone who gives up.