One Left

One more holiday down. One more to go. How awesome it is to sit at home and have all your plans canceled and realize that no one is your friend. That no one really cares. That spending the holiday with family is a great distraction from the lack of a real life. I've been sitting here watching movies in Spanish all this time. So, I've been working. How sad is it that work is the only thing in my life that I really enjoy or care about?

But there is another part that is more scary. It doesn't even bother me that much. I'm starting to feel okay about having no one to talk to about anything at any time. The fact that no one is ever there for me is starting to feel natural. It's the usual. I'm not sure what I would do if I had someone around all the time. Seriously. I look around at all the people I know that are in relationships, and they are always checking, always waiting for something that never comes, always coordinating. And if you're single, they can't even spare five minutes for you. That would be too much to ask. They can never do anything just because they want to. It's like their lives are suddenly run by a committee. And you know what happens when you leave things to a committee.

So I think that's my problem. I don't do committees. I'm not dangerous. I'm loyal. I'm generous. But the thing is, I don't like having to get approval from anyone. For any reason. And I'm not sure I could change any of that. And I'm not sure I'd want to. Yes, being along sucks. Yes, I wish there was someone here. But I can't give up the freedom I'm used to and all the things I love so that someone else can feel secure. I want to go out. I want to meet people. I want to do things. And anyone who doesn't want those things isn't going to last long. And therein lies the problem. Men have to own. They have to possess. The have to control. What kind of guy is going to stick with a chick who doesn't stop hanging out with her male and female friends, who doesn't want to give up a job, who is still going to do what she wants to do? Don't misunderstand: I'm not a cheater. In fact, I'm the girl who invites the guy to everything I do, no matter what it is, or who it is with. But if he doesn't want to participate, there's a good chance I'm going to do it anyway. Why wouldn't I?

Or maybe not. My life is really just one giant mystery. Most of it doesn't make any sense, so all the above rationalization is pointless anyway.

But seriously: I think I've gotten used to the way it is. I have no friends. I'm going to be single for a very long time. Maybe for the rest of my life. Oh well.

Communications

For the record, the internet is not an acceptable way to communicate with people you care about. Not facebook, email, blogs, or websites. And that includes texting and twittering too. Apparently Ashton Kutcher sent out a 'condolence' twitter because of Brittany Murphy. Unacceptable. Feelings don't necessarily need to be broadcast to the entire world. Some things should be kept private. So few people get that. But here it is anyway.

As much as I hate being alone, I'm actually not in a bad place right now. I've thought for the last few days/weeks/months that I have no real friends that are there for me 100% of the time. And of course, the holidays only exacerbate those feelings. A friend invited me to Christmas dinner with her family, which was very generous of her, so I gladly accepted. And now I don't have to worry about being alone on Christmas. I'm still trying to figure out what is going to happen on New year's. I'm broke, pseudo-employed, and I have no friends. So that whole 'go out and party' thing gets to be a little sticky. So I'll probably be alone, but you'd think I'd be used to it by now. But that's okay. My horoscope says that 2010 is my year. I just need to get to work and stop jerking around.

There have been a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head that don't necessarily have anything to do with each other, but they are still there. I don't know who I should still consider a friend. I don't know what to do about work. I don't know what to do about school. I don't know if I should move to another town. I don't know how to reclaim my mojo permanently. Oh yeah, I found it in Havana. And then I experienced some spill over when I came back. But I haven't been out enough to say that I found it for good. I need to make more money than I do right now. Not a lot, but more. And I'm not quite sure how to do that. Maybe I'm too busy. Or not busy enough. I started making jewelry to keep myself busy. Facebook just wasn't filling the bill. I need something for my hands. I've made some cool stuff, but what the hell am I going to do with all of it???

Anyway, I'm back in the holiday pseudo-blues, just like every year. Woo-hoo.

Secrets

I've returned home with both of my hands. And a lot of pictures. And stories. And the worst part is that I have no one to tell. I thought about who I would call, and after I called my parents there was no one. Except my friend in New York, but if I tell her some of my stories, she would judge me. That's what she does. So I'm down to no one. I guess that's the only way to truly keep secrets.