One Left

One more holiday down. One more to go. How awesome it is to sit at home and have all your plans canceled and realize that no one is your friend. That no one really cares. That spending the holiday with family is a great distraction from the lack of a real life. I've been sitting here watching movies in Spanish all this time. So, I've been working. How sad is it that work is the only thing in my life that I really enjoy or care about?

But there is another part that is more scary. It doesn't even bother me that much. I'm starting to feel okay about having no one to talk to about anything at any time. The fact that no one is ever there for me is starting to feel natural. It's the usual. I'm not sure what I would do if I had someone around all the time. Seriously. I look around at all the people I know that are in relationships, and they are always checking, always waiting for something that never comes, always coordinating. And if you're single, they can't even spare five minutes for you. That would be too much to ask. They can never do anything just because they want to. It's like their lives are suddenly run by a committee. And you know what happens when you leave things to a committee.

So I think that's my problem. I don't do committees. I'm not dangerous. I'm loyal. I'm generous. But the thing is, I don't like having to get approval from anyone. For any reason. And I'm not sure I could change any of that. And I'm not sure I'd want to. Yes, being along sucks. Yes, I wish there was someone here. But I can't give up the freedom I'm used to and all the things I love so that someone else can feel secure. I want to go out. I want to meet people. I want to do things. And anyone who doesn't want those things isn't going to last long. And therein lies the problem. Men have to own. They have to possess. The have to control. What kind of guy is going to stick with a chick who doesn't stop hanging out with her male and female friends, who doesn't want to give up a job, who is still going to do what she wants to do? Don't misunderstand: I'm not a cheater. In fact, I'm the girl who invites the guy to everything I do, no matter what it is, or who it is with. But if he doesn't want to participate, there's a good chance I'm going to do it anyway. Why wouldn't I?

Or maybe not. My life is really just one giant mystery. Most of it doesn't make any sense, so all the above rationalization is pointless anyway.

But seriously: I think I've gotten used to the way it is. I have no friends. I'm going to be single for a very long time. Maybe for the rest of my life. Oh well.