Reading

So I started reading a book about thinking positive. How it can change your life, how it help you achieve your goals, find love, success, and so on. I figured, hey why not. I'll give it a try and see what happens. I'm smart. I used to be an athlete. I know how the right mind set can affect things. Maybe it can work. So I started reading, and I started keeping a journal and started thinking about the things I really want in life, blah blah blah. But here's the rub: it's really difficult to do things on your own. Which I guess is the point, but I get tired. And never having expectations or hopes is so much easier. It's easier to bitch about stuff. To be annoyed and irritated. I don't know if you realize what a huge shift in thinking this is for me. But like I said, it's difficult to do alone. Which I've been my whole life. I think of how it has basically been pounded into me my entire life that I can't or shouldn't expect anything special to ever happen in my life. That I have no right to think there is something better, or that someone will ever want that. It's a terrible habit that has been enforced mostly by my parents. They never understood me, still don't, and I really think my father is convinced that the only life that will be 'successful' is if I find someone to take care of me financially. He believes that I will never amount to anything more than what I am now. Which to him is not that great. My mom doesn't get me either, but at least she makes awkward attempts at being supportive. Usually it ends up with 'when are you going to settle down', which only exacerbates the situation. But anyway, back to the subject. I wish I had more cheerleaders. I fully understand that what I want out of my life is something that most people think is impossible, but that's just how it is. Whatever. I'm done bitching.