An Open Letter

Dear Jerkface,

How lovely it is that you haven't talked to me in a month. No, really. I don't have to listen to you lie anymore. I still have your stuff, and I tried to give it back to you, but you were conveniently 'busy'. With the girl that is only your girlfriend when you can see her. Otherwise you don't even remember her name. About your stuff, I'm either keeping it, or I might throw it off a cliff into the ocean. You would deserve either. No, I'm not mad. I'm just done with you and your drama.

I have recently discovered that the more I know about you, the less I respect you. Not like, respect. I learn more about how terribly you treat people, particularly women, and I realize that it is systematic behavior, not just isolated incidents. It makes me feel better that you don't reserve your douchebaggy-ness for just me, but at the same time, I'm angry that I let so much slide. Especially now that you have a tendency to really be a jerk. You were so much nicer when you were sad all the time. Now that you're always angry, you're just an asshole. For no reason, and to people who don't deserve it. Basically, you suck. I also recently found out that all those trips you take to see your 'girlfriend' are financed by her, and the trip to Europe the two of you took last year was financed by her parents. Wow, you're a real class act. Way to keep them in the loop. (Dear At My Convenience Girlfriend and her Parents: I'm just using you for sex and free travel. I have no plans to ever marry you because I am a fucked up individual and I cheat on you every chance I get. Love, Jerkface. p.s. Thanks for all the Frequent Flyer Miles.)

Anyway, today I had a stunning realization. I am too good for you. I'm hotter than you, smarter than you, cooler than you. I'm way more fabulous that you are. I may not have more money, but I will soon because you have zero ambition. You just want to leech off the girl as long as she'll let you. And since she can't do better, that could be for a very long time. Oh yeah, and I know how to tell the truth. You are a coward. You are a liar. No one likes you because you make drama and blame everyone else for your problems. Your own friends don't like you. It's true. They told me. Which is really funny, because all your friends (and your family) like me. They ask me to do stuff. They circumvent you to talk to me. Most of them have my phone number.

I used to feel pity for you, but now that you have dug your hole so deep, I can't even see you anymore. No one can. Sometimes we hear you yelling, but you're usually swearing, so we ignore you. It's time to man up, Jerkface. Seriously. DO something with yourself. It's time to grow a pair and move on and stop acting like you're some sort of victim. You're not. You're probably the most culpable person I know (you actually remind me of someone I know you hate). I'm not going to indulge your idiocy any more.

Do I hate you? No. I'm just finished with you. Finished with your lies, your manipulation, your hatefulness, and your drama. If you see me out somewhere, you don't need to say hello. You will most likely be intimidated by my date anyway. We will both be out of your league. You can crawl back to horse-face man-lady and pretend that's what you always wanted because you knew you would never care about her enough for her to ever hurt you. Way to go. Have fun with that.

Cheers-
Awake Me

P.S. Thanks for reminding me how awesome you aren't.