No Sleep

So last night I came home and tried to go to sleep and it didn't really work. I didn't get hardly any sleep last night and I kept having strange dreams so now I'm exhausted and I still don't want to go to sleep because as long as I'm awake I'm in control. I felt sick most of the day today, and didn't eat much, which is pretty much my MO when stuff like this happens. I told a friend that today was my day to feel as crappy as I want and then it's back to work. And back to concentrating on the thesis. And I've thought about the whole thing all day and made it seem like a good idea to break free and clear of the whole mess once and for all. But I know that one of my biggest (or best) issues is that I'm able to talk myself into just about anything, while most people talk themselves out of things. I know that if I can just make it through the next two weeks with some semblance of normalcy and not a lot of nuttiness, I'll be just fine.

Still, there are a whole bunch of things I really don't understand and this will be one more in an endless streak of lonely v-days where I will be sleeping alone. Again. And that's all the holidays for the last two years also and birthdays and every day in between and I don't know how much more of this I can handle. The pro at the club is not going to like this any more than I do.

So yes, my unluckiness continues, and I get older and older every day, wondering what I'm going to do when I'm forty and still alone with no future and no past. I could just disappear.