Sunniest Place on Earth

I've been busy. It's that time of year, or semester. I'm going to be shooting my movie at the end of the month, and I'm trying to get things straightened out before then. The holiday is coming up, and this is the most depressing time of the year for me. It's that time of year when I get to be constantly reminded that no one cares about me, I have no plans for any of the holidays, and there will be no possibility of any sort of romantic season for me. Just like every year. This is even worse than Valentine's day, because it lasts for two months and three holidays.

I also wish I could feel something more than mild disappointment, but my emotions have evaporated, which is probably for the best. I'd probably be dead by now if they were still around. They're nothing but trouble. I feel less crazy, but I also feel less connected to myself and everyone else. I can't say I really care a whole lot about anything. Which I guess is the point. I haven't seen the pro for about a month, but I'll visit her next week. And the technician the week after that. I keep thinking they are going to fix me, but they never do. I've started wondering where I should go to fix myself. I obviously haven't been able to make this place work, and it's been three years. I don't know that time is going to be a plus in this case. What is it about SoCal that makes it so impossible for me to fit in and be happy? Is it me, or is it them? It seems like a place where I should be able to be happy, but I haven't been for pretty much the whole time I've been here. It seems kind of hopeless, because there's no way I could know how I could be happy somewhere else if I can't make it work in the sunniest place in the world. Anyway, fuck this place. I'm almost done, and then we'll see what happens.