Mediocrity

I'm thinking about quitting school. It seems pretty pointless to keep going. I'm not doing anything that's brilliant or original. My adviser hates all the work I've done for the past year. I'm tired of doing things that don't make any impression. Or that just plain suck. If I quit now, I've wasted a lot of money, but I haven't wasted an extra four thousand dollars. I still get to keep the two degrees I already have and the job I've had all this time. If I quit now, I can work full time and come home and not worry about having to do all my other work. I can just be a person like everyone else. Cleaning the fridge and doing laundry and whatnot.

And I guess that means I'd be giving in to mediocrity. It's that thing we all try our best to avoid, and yet somehow it catches up to most of us. I find it interesting that being mediocre is so vilified as something to avoid, like the plague or an STD, and yet 95% of the world becomes mediocre. Everyone is just average, and yet everyone is so afraid of it. And now I think it's time for me to embrace it and realize that I am just like the 95%. I'm not special. I'm not different. I'm exactly the same. I'm someone who thought I could be different and realizing that I'm not even a little bit different.

I do the trapeze and make my own vodka and it all just ends up being part of the smorgasbord of things that make me just like everyone else. I'm not different. It's time I stopped trying to be.

On a side note, from time to time I remember a guy I worked with back in Asheville. His name was Jackson, and he was one of those really good looking guys who was kind of immature and really kind of silly because he loved Pearl Jam and regularly quoted movies like Jaws and started sentences with "hey, remember in that movie when..." And then a friend of mine dated him and I was forced to be nice to him and treat him like he was a normal adult like the rest of us, when really, he was just a 10 year old trapped in a 22 year old body. Anyway, I think of him from time to time, and I'm not sure why. I guess he just made an impression of some sort.

Something of Note

So I was just watching the episode of the office where Phyllis gets married, and suddenly I remembered how I wrestled the bouquet away from some young girl while threatening her at the Napa wedding. Yeah, that's right. While we were bent over and both holding on to a bunch of wilting flowers, I told her to let go because I was older than her. And she did. So yes, I caught the bouquet for the first time in my life. I've never actually tried to catch a bouquet before, and I've never threatened anyone like that either. For the record, I felt bad and didn't keep it. I gave it to her after. I just wanted to have it for a second.

So now I'm hacking up a lung trying to get over this odd chest cold or whatever it is. I think I'm probably over the worst of it, but this cough really sucks. I've been on my couch all day long watching movies and occasionally sleeping. I could have done something tonight, but I just didn't feel up to it. I figure the quicker I get better the quicker I can start going out and having fun again. I really want to be better by Halloween. And I want to celebrate my birthday stateside. But for now I'm just sitting on the couch.

School is kind of sucking at the moment. I'm supposed to be putting together a presentation to do in January, but every time I show my professor new work, he says he doesn't like it and tries to make me do something else. It's like talking to my dad. It's also starting to make me wonder what I'm doing anyway. If there's any point in finishing the whole school thing. I'm so over it, and it seems like nothing I'm doing is good enough, which is disappointing and frustrating.

Anyway, my life is really boring and not fun right now. I'll let you know when something of note happens.

Catching up

So I think I'm mostly caught up on my life. I also managed to pick up a terrible cough from somewhere that is slowing me down. Not congestion, just a cough. But the kind that makes my back and my head hurt. Awesome. My eyes hurt too.

I'm supposed to be having a trapeze lesson on Wednesday if the people ever call me back to confirm. I'm looking forward to it, even though I'm a little scared that I'll suck because I'm so out of shape. It's going to be interesting at least.

Work has slowed down just a little bit, but only a little and only briefly. It's going to get crazy again before too long.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do for the holidays, and so far haven't gotten very far. My work schedule tends to be kind of last minute, especially in the case of trips I may or may not have to take. I *might have to go to Havana. I *might have to go to Utah. I *might have to go to Brazil. But there's no telling when those decisions will be made. Maybe tomorrow, maybe a month from now. It's awesome for making plans. My mom loves it too. And then there's my cockeyed optimism, where I'm afraid to make plans for holidays so far in advance because I'm worried that I might meet someone special and then I'll have to spend the holiday without them. How's that for pathetic?

I just saw a teaser for the news that a man died diving for lobster. Doesn't he know he can get that at Red Lobster?

Anyway, I want to make plans, but can't, and I'm afraid to anyway.

I gave a test in my class last week and haven't graded them yet. Tomorrow is the next class. I'm behind. I totally forgot about them, which really sucks. That's what happens when I want to relax and do nothing. I made a list, and the tests didn't even make it on the list. Sheesh.

Anyway, nothing too juicy to report. I need to go. My eyes hurt.

Driving

So I'm sitting at the airport waiting for my plane, which is delayed by 2 hours. So instead of getting home at a decent hour, it's going to be nearly midnight when I get there. Anyway, at least I'm done traveling for a while and I can go back to my mostly regular life for a while. Not that I'll have free time, but at least I'll be busy at home with regular internet access. It's amazing how incomplete I feel when I can't check my email. So weird.

So today I didn't feel like going wine tasting, even though I had plenty of time. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my time since I had plenty of it. I probably could have come to SF and gone to the museum or something, but I don't have a map, or internet access to a map, and since I'm by myself, the odds of me navigating successfully seemed bleak.

So instead I opted to go for a drive up through the rest of wine country and back down the 101 so I would see the Golden Gate Bridge. Right past your favorite city, Sausalito. Anyway, the drive was actually mostly really beautiful. It kind of reminded me of the Blue Ridge Parkway. Except with alcohol. It's actually very nice up there, but I can't imagine living there. What do people do for work? I'm guessing it's either something in wine or something that makes no money. But at least it's pretty. For a few minutes I considered driving all the way down to SD, but then remembered how far it is, and how not fun it would be in reality, even though in the imagination it seems freewheeling and fun.

Anyway, I think that's all the depressed I want to convey at the moment.

More Weddings Please

So the wedding is over I managed to leave when the dancing got underway. I woke up at 3am still in my dress. Thank god for stumbling distance. So yes, it was personally stressful and depressing, even though it was a great wedding. And yes, I was the only person over 18 who was single. And I got put at the miscellaneous table, like always. You know the one. It’s the table where all the random people go because they aren’t family and they don’t go with any of your other friends. That always seems to be my table.

Once when I was working at the catering job, one of my tables was the miscellaneous table. It was a giant Vietnamese wedding, and I got the table of white people, and none of them knew what any of the food was. I didn’t either. At the time it was hilarious. It kind of still is. But it wasn’t last night. I didn’t know anyone there, and the only people I did know were sitting at the head table. So I just kept making trips to the bar so I could stay as numb as possible.

It is barbaric to attend a wedding alone. Especially when you are at an age where no single people exist. At least not normal single people. What does that say about me? I’m not in the divorced crowd, so what’s left is a bunch of people that have something wrong with them. I’ve been trying to figure out what is wrong with me. So far I haven’t been able to. It seems like there should be some obvious thing I’m doing wrong, but I haven’t figured it out. It makes me wonder what the point of doing anything is. And weddings only exacerbate the whole situation. Can some more people get married please? I think I have a little bit of self-esteem left.

Romantic Weekend

Oh, how great a romantic weekend in Napa is. I’m unbelievably bored hanging out by myself. Walked around this morning to find the library (and hence, a computer) because the internet at the hotel is all messed up. Finally got there, and it was closed. Didn’t open for another 30 minutes, so I decided to walk around some more. There’s really not much here. It’s like an odd mix of poor rednecks and people with so much money they don’t know what to do with all of it. So, I ate breakfast, then went to the library for the computer. They gave me 30 minutes worth of internet access. It’s amazing how quickly 30 minutes goes.

So then I wandered back to the hotel after visiting the nearby vintage shop. Now I’m starting to wish I was a smoker so at least then I’d have something to occupy my time with. But instead, I’m sitting in this room, spilling my guts into a Word document that I’ll copy later because the hotel internet is ridiculous and not working.

So yes, I’m on a romantic weekend, but it doesn’t happen to be mine. I did, however, get the pleasure of experiencing the room next door having sex 3 times last night. And yes, the walls are thin so I heard everything. First at 11, then 4, then 8. Sweet. I couldn’t get the old couple who hate each other and never speak anymore. I had to get the young lovers who can’t get enough of each other.

I’m planning on going to a winery later, but I have to time it right so I don’t just end up drinking and feeling sorry for myself at some tasting room and missing the wedding. Yes, I could see me doing something like that. So, biding my time watching a bad Jim Carrey movie (as if there were any other kind), wishing I had internet access to keep my pathetic self busy and distracted.

Waiting for the couple next door to do their thing.

72 hours

I'm at the airport. My flight is delayed, apparently because of fog in San Fran. I hope it's not going to be cold there, because I didn't pack anything warm. The weather report said it was going to be hot all weekend, so that's what I'm prepared for. So I had to drive myself to the airport and park in the long-term parking because I don't have a single friend who will return my phone calls, much less give me a ride to the airport. I feel so loved. I feel so relevant. About the only person who even cares that I'm going is my boss, because he's bummed that I'm missing one day of work. That also makes me feel great, that the only person who gives a damn is the person who is trying to make me work ridiculous hours and get everything done that he can't count on other people to do. Yesterday I was suddenly put in charge of marketing an event next week that someone else put together and is supposed to be running. I also got the catered food for the event taken care of while the person who was supposed to be doing this stuff "worked from home". I called her to see what the deal was, and she said she couldn't work at the office because the phone kept ringing and interrupting her. Seriously? Are you that incapable of having 1-2 minute interruptions every 10-20 minutes and not get any work done? Are you fucking kidding me? I manage to get twice as much stuff done with those interruptions, and I managed to get work done from halfway around the world with a 9 hour time difference and she can't handle the phone ringing? How do these people function in real life? I do have sneaking suspicions that the whole 'work from home' thing is just code for 'I'm planning my wedding and have to meet the florist, bakery, etc.'. No one works better from home. The phone may be distracting, but the tv, fridge, bedroom, and even mailman are bigger distractions. Especially since no one is watching you. I've tried. Yes, I've worked from home, but my productivity falls immensely. Plus, there's no substitute for having the copier and office supplies at your fingertips while you work. Just sayin'.

So anyway, I'll be embarking on the most depressing trip ever in about an hour. A romantic getaway to a place I've always wanted to go, to see two people get married who are so in love with each other it makes me want to puke. So for the next 72 hours, I'll be reminded of exactly how alone I am, how alone I've been my whole life, and how alone I'll be for a long time to come. It would be easier if I could just throw a switch that turns off the lonely part of me. Like my flight has already left so I can go home now. But no, I'm still waiting for that plane that hasn't come and doesn't appear to be coming any time soon. God these people at the airport are annoying. People traveling in groups are annoying as fuck.