Pale Horse

Hope things are well. I was doing just fine until a boy came back from the past. I guess it's been happening for a while, but I had naive assumptions that we could be friends and things were going to be different this time. He wants to hang out, he calls and so forth, but now I'm mad and irritated. About a week ago after some wine that he "had been saving" (since September), things got weird. Before the wine he was sitting next to me with his arm around me and his head on my shoulder. Then we were on the floor making out and then he carried me to the bedroom and so forth. We didn't do it; I managed to say something before it really got out of control, but yes, we made out (a lot) and both ended up naked. I also ended up with some bite marks on my neck, which was a great discovery right before I left for class.

Sounds great, right?

Not really. It's really just a bunch of lies and cheating since he has this girl in Chicago that thinks he is completely devoted to her and clearly he isn't. But that doesn't mean he's devoted to me either. I brought it up a couple of weeks ago that we had to be just friends and behave (and he agreed) and then this happens. I have never been all that great at saying no in general, but especially when it comes to him. And now I'm mad. At him for completely ignoring what I said, but also at myself for not being able to say no. And for letting him suck me back in. I was doing just fine without him. And now I feel like he's sucking the life out of me with his bullshit and I'm back in the same place (almost) that I was a year ago. Almost to the day.

I don't get it. Why does he have to be so stupid? He spent the evening (before anything happened) saying how awesome and fabulous I am and how much he liked my movie and can he keep the copy and how good I smell and blah blah blah and I bought it. Was he really serious, or is it just the loneliness talking? It was hard enough to cut him off the first time, you would think the second time would be easier, but I think it's just the opposite. Plus I'm older and I've had nothing going on all year that meant anything. Am I going to be alone forever? This seems like some sort of indication that I am wholly unsuitable for anyone. That whole "It'll happen when you least expect it" crap is exactly that. I have concentrated on only me for exactly a year, sworn off bad people, concentrated on work, school, and anything that is all about me, and nothing has happened.

So there I am on a Wednesday night, reading to a guy that seems to be hanging onto every word and does everything that makes me melt without my help. Although I must mention that I did chide him for not going down on me. Go figure; I was drunk.

And then his mom Facebooked me. WTF? Sure, I know her and she has my phone number (I didn't give it to her, he did). I'm also friends with his sister in law. Is that weird?

Still, this woman in Chicago looks like a horse. A really pale horse. Not that that makes me feel any better.