Feelings of Bad

Still trying to get rid of these feelings of bad. Feeling displaced is one of the most disorienting and depressing feelings in the world. I was fine all day today, then on the way home, I just felt like a cold wind had blown through me, taking all of my happy and ebullient energy with it. I don't even know where it came from. And suddenly, I didn't want to go home. But I have nowhere else to go, so here I am. It's almost like being in this great place where a family should grow is depressing, since I'm not able to do that. I come home to an empty house every day and wonder what I'm going to do for the rest of the night. A small piece of me thought about calling a friend to hang out, but the other piece of me didn't feel like being around another person. I feel like I just want to curl up for a few days and think and do nothing. Which is, of course, impossible. So I know the only antidote is to just do something, but I'm at a loss as to what that should be. I have to make a list. List all the things that need to get done. Get my productivity back to where it should be before I fall so far behind that catching up is impossible.

And of course, even though I don't want to admit it, the whole thing hinges on the boy. I wasn't expecting a giant fight last week, and part of me doesn't even really remember what I said, only that I exploded (and I still think I had good reason), and had some trouble breathing. It felt like how things feel when I'm talking in my sleep. Like I'm screaming, but the words are so quiet and I'm having trouble getting them out because I just can't breathe. Like I just ran far and am trying to scream. That's the majority of what I remember. And I'm thinking from his complete non-reaction and lack of visible empathy, along with the fact that he simply walked away, that I will never hear from him again. That our lives are now divergent instead of convergent.

And I feel stupid and humiliated, because I should have known a long time ago and seen it coming. But I didn't. I wanted to believe that the planets were going to align and that everything was going to work out in this rosy colored world that I had set up for myself, even though the signs were saying the opposite. And now that he's deleted off my phone and blocked off my facebook, I'm feeling like there is this huge hole in my life. I see how I'm different than before, because last time I was reduced to literally nothing. But this time, I'm not crying and feeling hopeless. I just feel without. Like I never got to finish my sentence. Like there is unfinished business that hasn't been taken care of and plans that never came to fruition. And I guess I never thought I would see this day. This day when my birthday means nothing, when my promises are all negated, when my support is withdrawn. But I loved him. For better or for worse, I did. With my whole heart. And now it feels like my heart might be gone, because I feel worse than bad. I feel nothing. I feel a lack. I feel an amputation.