Rare Talent

I'm writing again, but only because I am trying to waste less time instead of more. I keep obsessing over the argument I had with the boy, mostly because it never really ended and I have no idea where we stand. Is our time together over? It is truly difficult to imagine, but also easy to conclude. There have been so many years between us, so many things that have provided the two of us with a history that we share with no one else. It is an odd feeling, to have such a large chunk of life suddenly ripped away. I don't even know how to describe it adequately. But here I sit on this couch that I inherited, thinking about all I could have accomplished today, knowing that I didn't because I couldn't get him out of my head. And more than a little upset by the whole thing. Upset because I know what is the right thing to do, and that that thing is not what I want, and not what will help me move on gracefully and cheerfully. But I know that the alternative is equally repulsive and damaging. So it seems that I am at somewhat of an impasse.

I have also been thinking today of all the people who said they would be there for me through thick and thin, and none of them are here. This is the thick, or the thin, depending on how you look at it, and all of them are absent. They all have better things to do, wether its family or traveling or whatever. I am truly in this alone. No one will ever be able to truly understand what I go through every day and how much it takes for me to be who I am. I have come to the conclusion myself that in order to maintain the kind of lifestyle that I want, I need to start making lots of money. Not because I have expensive tastes, but because I have to pay someone what most women just get their boyfriends and husbands to do. Those little chores around the house that seem so menial become incredibly difficult when you don't have tools and knowhow to get them done. So I'm in a little bit of a jam, since I have no man, no money, and no skills. I can water the plants, and that's about it. I recently discovered that my painting skills are way below par, which was utterly disappointing.

I'll write more when I feel like it, as there is much to confess. But for the moment, this is the thought that has troubled me most today:

The man who put my heart back together only did so to break it all over again. A rare talent indeed.