Secrets and Lies

Not everything in here is true, but it is based on real events.

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Location: Southern California

Monday, September 26, 2005

Not Talking

Today I just didn't feel like talking. Anyone who knows me knows that this is an extremely rare occurence. But they also know that it does happen from time to time, like rainbows and green flashes. I've been in a funky mood all day, bouncing between various thoughts and moods like always. It wasn't until about ten this morning that I realized I had completely forgotten the birthday of someone I can't talk to anymore. It would have been today, and I feel like an ass because it slipped my mind this time. And then I started wondering if he's still paying attention to what I do or if he's playing blackjack in valhalla. I hope he's not mad at me for being such a dope.

I also had a stupid moment of inserting my foot into my mouth with a professor that doesn't talk to me enough to know what an idiot I am sometimes. I'd like to have more opportunities to talk with this guy and know what he thinks of my work, but with today's verbal blunder, I doubt I'll get the chance.

And then there was someone who was apologizing to me for hurting me yet again, and I refused to talk to him about it. I had to. I'm so tired of breaking down into a wimpering mess of tears over and over again about the same thing. It seems pointless to talk about it since he already knows how I feel and nothing I would say would be any different from the last time I said it, and it wouldn't make anything different anyway. So what's the point?

But I'll do it now. I don't like feeling like Plan B. I don't like feeling like I do things and they go unnoticed because he is busy waiting for someone else to call or someone else to go out with. I resent it, actually. I don't like being constantly disappointed when we make plans, then break them, then make tenative plans, then break those too. And then he drags his feet on making new plans. Well fine. I'm not going to beg for him to spend time with me, no matter how much I want to spend time with him. I'm not going to shower him with affection and attention if he's going to be constantly thinking about someone else. Because I don't like feeling unappreciated. I feel like I'm being taken for granted. That weekend getaway with me is not something to scoff at and treat like some stupid obligation that you may or may not cancel depending on whether or not she calls on any given day. I'll just go by myself if that's the way it's going to be.

I'm done talking now.

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