Help!

I have to be at work in seven hours. I have to sleep between now and then. God I hate working in the mornings. It's like walking through fire and then having to do heavy lifting. This job isn't going to last long if they're going to keep making me get up early like this. Eventually I'll oversleep, and that'll be the end of it.

At this time, I'd like to make an open call for suitors for my roommate. Please, if not for yourself, do it for me. A little about her: she's a homeowner, has a good job, a college education, likes sports, and is attractive in a soccer mom kind of way. Her favorite shows are celebrity poker, extreme home makeover, and desparate housewives. She likes movies like Wedding Crashers, Dukes of Hazzard, and Bridget Jones Diary. She does not like "sad" movies. She donates to various charities throughout the year, and is close to her family. She does not speak a foreign language. She does work out.

I don't know why she has such a difficult time getting men; something tells me it's mostly because she works an insane amount of hours every week. I am now beginning this crusade because she really needs to get laid before I choke her. She is becoming increasingly bitter, and has recently started to be supremely bitchy for no reason. She's judgemental and catty, and has starting addressing me with what I can only describe as a "term of endearment": Bitch. As in, yo, what up, bitch. I can't say I really appreciate being called by this name.

She has become increasingly critical of my life, even though it is none of her business and has nothing to do with her. She doesn't like the men I hang out with, the classes I take, my friends, my financial status, my aversion to cooking, and the fact I haven't cleaned this house that has been under construction since mid-August (not that she has either). She also has no sympathy for the fact that I have endured daily interruptions in my life due to her quest to have the nicest house in the neighborhood. These are interruptions that include machines grinding concrete, workmen showing up at random times (i.e. when I'm in my pajamas and my hair is uncombed), and miscellaneous hammering. She seems to have adopted the attitude that I deserve to be woken up at 8 am every day because I must be lazy since I don't work 80 hours a week like she does, and I am quite content to spend a day without leaving the house. I must do nothing since I am not exhausted all the time.

So you see, this girl needs to relieve some stress. She also needs someone to pay attention to besides me. Because right now, it seems like I can do nothing right. If you were to ask her, she would probably tell you that I am the most annoying person she knows and she would kick me out of the house if she could afford to. If she doesn't find a man soon, she will systematically alienate every single one of her friends until there are none left for her to talk to. Which will be unbelievably tragic.

Anyway, your help is appreciated. Act soon, before it's too late!