It's Nothing

Sometimes I feel like I try to be thoughtful and do nice things for other people and my efforts are completely ignored and unappreciated. Or at the very least underappreciated. I go out of my way and spend time and thought and effort, and it doesn't fucking matter. It never matters. Which is why I'm an idiot as well. Because I will never figure out that I should just give up, say fuck it, and stay home because someone else is always going to get the attention I want.

I feel like the red-headed stepchild. The dog begging for scraps from the table. Because someone else is eating there instead of me. I feel like a pseudo-asshole even feeling this way, but that's just the way it goes, I guess. I've tried to stay out of the way and be a good friend, but sometimes there are just too many roadblocks in the way, plus, no one wants to be friends anyway. I make myself available, let people know I care, and when it comes to times they want to be close to the people they care about, I'm mysteriously absent from their minds. Of course, this makes me feel super special, and makes me glad I spent so much time and energy trying to show someone that I give a shit about their life.

So I spent today in a mysterious loop of trying to figure out how to get myself back in order and stop letting other people hurt me with their indifference. And there really is no answer, no matter how hard I try to find it. My instincts tell me to move away, quit school, and sever all ties I have with anyone I know here. Which starts the cycle all over again. I know because I've done it.

So I want to scream right now for being such an easy target, for feeling so ugly, so old, and so inadequate because nothing I do is ever going to be enough. I am always going to come second to pretty much everything and everyone. Whatever confidence I had a week ago has evaporated back into this crap I seem to be constantly trying to evade.