I Am Spam

Today I was bumping along the road that is film school and my life in general, and I hit a place that wasn't very nice. I got really sad and I couldn't quite explain it except that I just felt bad about everything in my life. And the more I think about it, the more I think it's because I have felt very left out of everything lately.

When people get together, they don't bother to call me. When people talk about their projects, no one wants to know what I'm doing. And I already mentioned being excluded from conversation between he and the Heathen. As if I have nothing pertinent to offer on any given subject. I recall at one moment piping up with some comment, and he looked at me like I was crazy, then continued the conversation as if I hadn't even said anything. When the three of us were walking together, they were so intent on talking to each other and not to me that I was squeezed out and forced to walk behind them on the sidewalk. No room for me or my comments. I must be stupid and ugly and completely annoying and I just don't know it. Because that's how people are treating me.

So I'm sad. There are few bright spots in my life, but when I try to talk about them, they just get pushed away like everything else. I feel like I'm being pushed underwater while pleading, but, but, but, but...maybe I have something interesting to say this time. But it's not like anyone would ever notice. Am I really so boring? Every time I think I have something to say that he would find interesting, he shrugs it off like I just told him the sun was hot. Everything I say appears to be old news. Not of any importance. And yet I watch him talk to other people and he seems to hang on to every word they say as if they might at any moment reveal the secrets to cold fusion. I am nothing more than a sideshow carnie barking out some nonsense. I am spam. I am junk mail. I am the telemarketer. It's true. Just ask him. I would, but I can't get his attention.