Ugly Body

I'm not feeling good about myself today. I felt better yesterday. Sometime in the middle of the night I went from bad to worse, and this is close to the bottom. I had an epiphany the other day about my work and came up with something about the content of water in the human body. It sounds stupid here, but you have to see it to really get it. Plus it's not done yet.

We spent a nice night together as friends. I hate being friends. We had chinese takeout and a bottle of wine. We talked about Paris. I'm not staying in his hotel. He made a face when I told him, but only for a second. I probably did too. And then we started on my project, and I was surprised how not uncomfortable I was. I didn't feel weird. And I was a little drunk.

So then we finished the money shot and it was over. And I suddenly felt like the ugliest person on the face of the earth. I felt naked and ugly and fat and stupid. I felt like a monster. I felt like a dumbass. I felt gross. And we did a little something extra to complement the wine but I still felt ugly under my half closed eye slits.

He helped me to my car. It was cold outside. My arms were full. He said he had a good time. I did too. Even though I was sad and ugly. He hugged me. But not really. It was a one-arm half hug. The kind you give to people you don't know very well.

god I feel so ugly. This man that used to be so attracted to me doesn't even seem to notice me anymore. I can literally parade around naked in front of him and it makes no difference. I hate myself. I hate my ugly body. I hate that I don't know how to be attractive. Or sexy. I hate that he has forgotten me. Forgotten my body. My ugly body. I hate it.