Clingy

I was sitting in the usual spot. The spot where we'd been meeting and talking and laughing and getting to know each other for over two months. Our meetings were really the only reason I ever went there. It definitely wasn't for the coffee.

But today I got there first. I occupied myself with some work I had been putting off. Work that could easily be further put off when he arrived. He sauntered in and got into the coffee line. I decided to contiue working until he came to the table. I didn't want to look like I had been waiting there just for him, even if I had.

It was like sitting on needles. Trying to look like I'm not staring at him, but trying to stare anyway. Trying to time the perfect moment to look up and smile as if I'd just seen him. Keeping track of where he was in line; how long it was taking to make his coffee. Looking busy, but not too busy.

The tables were full. He walked along them, and was about to take a seat in one of those uncomfortable stools next to the window, when he looked at me and smiled. It was the smile that I was here for. The smile I'd been waiting for. I smiled back at him as I leaned back in my chair. He walked toward me. Past the chair sitting across from me. Past me. And I was stuck looking at the spot where he was supposed to have stopped.

I was suddenly that girl that thinks you're waving at her. Silly girl. People don't wave to you. They wave to the hot chicks behind you. Even if they are your boyfriend. You aren't someone that would be picked out of a crowd. You blend in. He wouldn't look for you in the spot where you usually are. Why should he?

I guess I won't be putting my work away after all. He takes a seat opposite them. Opposite me. I can look to my left and see his left side. See him looking at them. See him not seeing me. Trying to figure out who these girls were behind me. Trying to figure out how he picked them out of the crowd and not me.

Then I heard the name of his ex. It sent shivers down my spine. Now I was forced to eavesdrop. Fuck.
"No, we broke up five or six months ago"
"That's too bad"
"Well, things happen, but I actually met someone"
"Really, that sounds great. How's it going"
I missed the next line. But I knew it was about me.
"That sucks. Relationships are hard sometimes."

What?!! Something had been said about me. Something that wasn't good. Something that caused total strangers to think being in a relationship with me was hard. How could it be? I'm practically invisible. I couldn't hear anything after that. My heart was thumping in my ears. God why does this always happen? I felt so stupid. I had laid my heart on the sacrificial altar for someone who could tell veritable strangers things he couldn't tell me. The man I loved was talking about me behind my back. Literally.

What does one do in such a situation? Well, being the inatimate lump of self-loathing that I am, nothing. I just sit there. Sick to my stomach. Staring at the work in front of me and wondering how this just happened. Do I say something? Do I leave? Do I sit here and hope he doesn't notice me 12 inches from his face? Or hope he does notice?

They get up. I get a good look as they leave. Of course, they are the beautiful Southern California girls I have come to know and distrust. These are the people who know something about me that I didn't even know. They know a piece of this man that he refuses to show to me. I hate them for it. I hope to forget their faces before they are burned into my memory. He is still sitting. I glance over. He is staring straight ahead. He looks pensive. I can't help but stare.

I can't talk. So I write. Penny for your thoughts.
The answer: I hate myself. I say things I don't mean when I really mean that I love you.

This is the first time that I realize how important this relationship is to me. I feel my face get hot and I don't know what to do. I want to be mad. I want to cry. I want to say I caught you saying bad things about me. You're just like all the others.

But I can't. Because I want this person. Enough to let his apology be his apology. Enough to forgive. Enough to believe that what he says is really what he means this time. Enough to believe that this is a bridge we must cross to get to a stronger relationship. Enough to believe that this is not a sign of the disaster that will befall me later.

But not enough to forget. I will always remember the day I discovered I was "Clingy".