Voodoo Addiction
I must be even stranger than I thought. My brain chooses to dwell even when I am unconscious. At least two or three times a week, I have a dream involving the man that shattered my heart into a million pieces. And they are almost always dreams that he is going to leave me for good. Either because he doesn't want to be around me or because of the quirky blonde that is able to hold his rapt attention. It's strange. Needless to say, it doesn't make me wake up feeling warm and fuzzy.
I took one of those Cosmo type quizzes with the stupid title: Are you over your ex? Well, I guess we all know the answer to that one. I didn't need to take a quiz to figure it out. Anyway, I had just enough points to not need psychological help. I got points docked for wishing that the next man to ask me out would be my ex. Bummer.
But of course, my fear of being abandoned by him is real. I know there will come a time when he won't need me anymore or want me anymore. It is inevitable. Someone will emerge as the light of his life and cast me into shadow. He says with such certainty and finality that he will never want to be with me again. It seems as if my fate is more cemented every time he says it. It is like sinking in quicksand, and I'm up to my neck. I try not to panic, so my dreams do it for me. He tells me to move on, to 'get on with my life', like a brave hostage giving himself up for the greater good. Problem is, it doesn't really seem like a life without him. It seems more like a sentence.
And why should I give up? There's no one else that could fill the gap. This man provides things so valuable and intangible that it seems like voodoo magic. Sometimes I think he is part psychic. Like he is reading my thoughts and mending things I didn't even know were broken. Giving the kind of support that only can be given by someone who truly understands me. Making me feel worthy without pandering. Are these things that one could just let go of? Is there really life without them? There may have been before, but how do you go back to doing without once you have become addicted?
I took one of those Cosmo type quizzes with the stupid title: Are you over your ex? Well, I guess we all know the answer to that one. I didn't need to take a quiz to figure it out. Anyway, I had just enough points to not need psychological help. I got points docked for wishing that the next man to ask me out would be my ex. Bummer.
But of course, my fear of being abandoned by him is real. I know there will come a time when he won't need me anymore or want me anymore. It is inevitable. Someone will emerge as the light of his life and cast me into shadow. He says with such certainty and finality that he will never want to be with me again. It seems as if my fate is more cemented every time he says it. It is like sinking in quicksand, and I'm up to my neck. I try not to panic, so my dreams do it for me. He tells me to move on, to 'get on with my life', like a brave hostage giving himself up for the greater good. Problem is, it doesn't really seem like a life without him. It seems more like a sentence.
And why should I give up? There's no one else that could fill the gap. This man provides things so valuable and intangible that it seems like voodoo magic. Sometimes I think he is part psychic. Like he is reading my thoughts and mending things I didn't even know were broken. Giving the kind of support that only can be given by someone who truly understands me. Making me feel worthy without pandering. Are these things that one could just let go of? Is there really life without them? There may have been before, but how do you go back to doing without once you have become addicted?
posted by Ocean | 10:00 AM
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