2015

So glad it's a three day weekend. Today I went to a friend's house for a cookout, and I thought it was going to be a great time. It was okay. Somewhere in the middle of it I realized that I was literally the only single person there. That was awesome. On the way home I tried to think of someone else who is single. I couldn't think of anyone. None of my friends, none of my co-workers, no one. It made me really upset. What is it that makes me such a freakish person that I'm not worth dating? The extra added bonus of the cook out was that there was a guy there that I went out with once about 6 months ago or so. He had a date with him. Again, that felt awesome. It's like every time I turn around, I'm being reminded that I have nothing and no one. I found myself wondering what it's like to go home and share a life with someone, where you know that they will always be there. I'm not sure I've ever had that.

Nope. Haven't.

I've had lots of people that I can depend on to trample me and treat me like dirt, but no one I can depend on to be there for me when I really need them. Like when I'm irritated at work. Like when I'm feeling lonely and just want to feel like someone cares about me. Like when I have a funny joke. Like when I have gift certificates to a restaurant or tickets to the zoo. It's always depressing when I don't buy things because I have no one to share them with. I have $100 to a swanky place downtown. I've had it for a year. And there's no one to go with. I've booked a trip to Napa and I'm going alone. I'll be in Spain for almost 2 weeks and there's no one to write home to. No one who wants to know what's going on or even misses me. I'm pretty sure I've never been missed.

So in the end, it all feels pointless. I'm going to be 35 in a couple of weeks. I've never had a relationship last longer than a year, the longest in California has been 3 months. I have no prospects. I don't make a lot of money. I don't have a lot of friends. I'm not beautiful. I've gained a bunch of weight in the last three months. I'm not that smart. I basically have very little going for me. And all I want is this one thing. And it's not going to happen for me.

Make a note. Five years from now. 2015. I'll be sitting on this same couch, watching this same tv, watching this same episode of the Simpsons. I'll still be here by myself, still working at this job that doesn't pay me nearly enough to live comfortably, still wondering why other people get to be happy and I don't. I'll be forty. Alone. Maybe I'll get a cat. At this point, it seems that's the only companionship I'm eligible for.