Trips

I'm going to New York next week. I'm trying to prepare myself for being gone without missing anything. I can't wait to go. I booked my flight and hotel for the wedding in Napa in October. All that's left is the rental car. It's costing me a lot more than I had anticipated, mostly because the hotels are ridiculously expensive. I'm excited to go, because I've always wanted to go there and see what it's like. Chances are I'll get there and not be able to do anything anyway because I have no money. But at least I will have gone. I also found myself getting a bit depressed because I don't have anyone to go with me. I'm going to a wedding in a romantic town and I'm most likely going to be alone. Someone once said to me a person should never have to go to a wedding alone, and the bitch of it is that I can only think of one wedding where I actually had a date. And he broke up with me two days after we got home. So it's almost worse than going alone. And I'm going to Spain alone as well. I keep telling myself that I'll be busy working when I'm there, but I also keep thinking about being there during my birthday, where I won't even be able to call anyone or talk to anyone who knows me.

I swear to god that if I didn't have my job to focus on, I would kill myself. There's a whole lot of stuff that I want in life that I'm not getting, and as much as I try to get it, I can't quite seem to get there. I just get some bastardized version of what I actually tried to get. I want to date someone, I get screwed on my lunch hour. I want to see the world, I see it alone.

I never thought I would be one of those people who only lives for their job. I try to do other things, and then they all boil down to my job. Nothing else even comes close to being what I want. But those other things are so close I can almost taste them. Nothing like having things just out of your reach. Anyway, moving on...

Today I read an article about saving money. I looked at my bank account and realized that I have an automatic savings plan. I forgot about that. But then, it doesn't really matter since I'm always dipping into my savings anyway. And then I started thinking about how things could be if I had a job that actually pays a livable wage. Right now I'm on track to make about 12K this year; maybe as much as 14K. Somehow I manage to live on a wage that is impossible. I wonder how things would be if I actually made real money. It seems like things would be kind of crazy. I would pay my debts, my student loans, and maybe at some point I would even be able to pay for something expensive like a car or a house. Maybe I would be able to take a vacation with my disposable income instead of having to save and pay off my credit card for the next three years. These are the amazing things I could do if I made 30K instead of what I make now.

Anyway, I was just thinking about it today.