What I Don't Know

I didn't leave the house today. I'm ok with that, except I haven't accomplished as much as I should without distractions, and all I want to do right now is drink some wine, but I won't because I can't finish the bottle and it's no fun to drink alone. My greiving girlfriend is not returning my phone calls, and I can't help but be hurt and a little irritated because I'm trying to be there for her and she's not letting me. It makes me feel like she doesn't think I'm able to be a good friend or something. And like I'm not a part of the in crowd. As usual.

Lately I've been feeling really unattractive, and I don't know why. I don't know if it's because I've seen what I could look like, but don't, or if it's because I don't get enough attention from aquaintences and strangers, or if I've just been watching too many commercials, but I don't feel like the alluring person I should be. I don't feel all that smart, or popular, or cool, or funny, or witty, in addition to not feeling sexy or pretty. I just don't know how to do it.

How do other people do it? Do they just not worry about it and end up that way? Do they work at it? I found myself at work the other night listening to a woman about my age talk about her husband and blah blah blah. And all I could think was how does she get someone and I can't, not even for a little while? She's not prettier than me, or nicer, or smarter, that I can tell. But apparently, she has someone waiting for her to get home every night, someone who can't sleep without her there, someone who wants to see what's going to happen tomorrow.

I can't even get a guy to look at me or talk to me, much less want to know what happens next. I can't figure out what's wrong with me. If I'm so great, why am I so alone? There has to be something that people aren't telling me. Something I don't know about.