Question
I have been cut off. Like a severed arm. No reading. No more. I feel strange, like I no longer have a voice or my opinion or feelings no longer matter or aren't worth talking about. And when I feel this strange segregation I get cold. Not metaphorically cold, but actually cold. I shiver and have to get under as many covers as possible and I can feel goosebumps all down my back as I sit and shiver and wonder how to make it stop. And my back gets sore and my mind won't stop the shivering.
But all I wanted to do today was ask a simple question. Always with the questions. They seem to rotate from one to the next every day. I felt like I was in high school again, waiting for the perfect time, trying to make it happen. But he stayed in work mode the whole time, and time was short. My question went unasked, and unanswered. I only needed five minutes. But the clock ran out on me.
I went to teach people who are bitter and stubborn and they bothered me and made my hands shake and my stomach turn when they challenged me because they want me to know they are not afraid of me. And it's annoying, because that stuff is supposed to end when you're fifteen.
And I went back, hoping for a second shot at questioning. And I'm still batting zero. But now I get to take a swing at the pitcher, don't I? He went right past me with a glib comment and back to the front where they could cajole and be silly together, and she could shorten every word to one letter in her hip quirky way that so escapes me. I felt avoided. Or at least forgotten. And I can see how much fun she is when I'm not around because she tightens up when she sees me. And it's not exactly jealousy, but more like sadness that I know I can't provide the things she provides, no matter how hard I try. And it makes my question moot. Because I guess I have my answer when I see them. So I'm hanging around for nothing. Or as nothing. And I want to call and make one more attempt at the question, but it seems so stupid now. I have already failed twice at getting five minutes; what makes now any different? And after three times, I'm just a pest, and then of course I have my answer again. It doesn't change.
But all I wanted to do today was ask a simple question. Always with the questions. They seem to rotate from one to the next every day. I felt like I was in high school again, waiting for the perfect time, trying to make it happen. But he stayed in work mode the whole time, and time was short. My question went unasked, and unanswered. I only needed five minutes. But the clock ran out on me.
I went to teach people who are bitter and stubborn and they bothered me and made my hands shake and my stomach turn when they challenged me because they want me to know they are not afraid of me. And it's annoying, because that stuff is supposed to end when you're fifteen.
And I went back, hoping for a second shot at questioning. And I'm still batting zero. But now I get to take a swing at the pitcher, don't I? He went right past me with a glib comment and back to the front where they could cajole and be silly together, and she could shorten every word to one letter in her hip quirky way that so escapes me. I felt avoided. Or at least forgotten. And I can see how much fun she is when I'm not around because she tightens up when she sees me. And it's not exactly jealousy, but more like sadness that I know I can't provide the things she provides, no matter how hard I try. And it makes my question moot. Because I guess I have my answer when I see them. So I'm hanging around for nothing. Or as nothing. And I want to call and make one more attempt at the question, but it seems so stupid now. I have already failed twice at getting five minutes; what makes now any different? And after three times, I'm just a pest, and then of course I have my answer again. It doesn't change.
posted by Ocean | 10:25 PM
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