Giving Season
This is where I'm supposed to say I'm starting over. The time when I pull myself up by my bootstraps and say something trite like 'it's a new day' and get a whole new outlook. But it's not going to happen. I can't do it. I feel this enormous hole in my chest where my heart used to be. It's so much heavier without the heart. And I closed all the blinds so it stays dark in here. And I'm really looking forward to the days in the near future when I can lay in bed all day and no one will bother me. I can embrace my inner loser. Because she needs a hug.
It's not fucking fair. Yes, I'm upset over the same crap that I'm always upset about. But who can really blame me? I constantly oscillate between being profoundly sad, mildly angry, somwhat jilted, slightly bitter, and utterly hopeless. And it seems that it's ok for me to have feelings but not show them. No one wants to see or hear them. I get it. But that doesn't mean they aren't there. I try to control them, but that doesn't mean I always succeed.
Last night I found myself wishing I could be under the influence permanently. Because that's the only time it seems like nothing matters and I don't have to worry about anything. But then I would 'have a problem'. Is it really a problem if it's the only time you feel good? Sounds more like a solution to me.
And I don't want to feel like myself. I want to feel like nothing. That's really more my niche anyway. Sitting in the dark with no e-mails and no calls and no letters and no friends and no schedules and no thinking. That's where I belong.
Starting over isn't my thing. I've been there, done that. Being positive is so 1993. If I keep doing that I'll sound like some crazy middle aged woman who says stupid shit like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'love will happen when I least expect it' or 'I am working on loving myself'. Because no one (especially me) really believes that. Being positive is so self-destructive. It only sets you up for failure, which is inevitable. I figure things will go much smoother if I just resign myself to the fact that I am a failure, there are no anniversaries for people like me, and holidays are for working because who would ever want to spend one with you, you sorry excuse for space?
This is a long post. Sorry.
So it's Sunday. It's dark. My readership has dropped to zero because my emotions are out of control. I have a hole in my chest. I've given up. Given in. Given out.
When they said it's the season for giving, I didn't know it would mean this.
It's not fucking fair. Yes, I'm upset over the same crap that I'm always upset about. But who can really blame me? I constantly oscillate between being profoundly sad, mildly angry, somwhat jilted, slightly bitter, and utterly hopeless. And it seems that it's ok for me to have feelings but not show them. No one wants to see or hear them. I get it. But that doesn't mean they aren't there. I try to control them, but that doesn't mean I always succeed.
Last night I found myself wishing I could be under the influence permanently. Because that's the only time it seems like nothing matters and I don't have to worry about anything. But then I would 'have a problem'. Is it really a problem if it's the only time you feel good? Sounds more like a solution to me.
And I don't want to feel like myself. I want to feel like nothing. That's really more my niche anyway. Sitting in the dark with no e-mails and no calls and no letters and no friends and no schedules and no thinking. That's where I belong.
Starting over isn't my thing. I've been there, done that. Being positive is so 1993. If I keep doing that I'll sound like some crazy middle aged woman who says stupid shit like 'everything happens for a reason' or 'love will happen when I least expect it' or 'I am working on loving myself'. Because no one (especially me) really believes that. Being positive is so self-destructive. It only sets you up for failure, which is inevitable. I figure things will go much smoother if I just resign myself to the fact that I am a failure, there are no anniversaries for people like me, and holidays are for working because who would ever want to spend one with you, you sorry excuse for space?
This is a long post. Sorry.
So it's Sunday. It's dark. My readership has dropped to zero because my emotions are out of control. I have a hole in my chest. I've given up. Given in. Given out.
When they said it's the season for giving, I didn't know it would mean this.
posted by Ocean | 11:46 AM
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