No Substitute
Another sad anniversary. They are coming fast and furiously now. December has suddenly become the most hated month of the year. And what a difference a year makes. Last night was the anniversary of the first time we hung out socially. A year ago he was eager to join me at my concert. I was still amazing then. He heard my work, saw my work, and said "I really really like you." And I blushed but he didn't see because it was dark. And before too long his hand was on my knee and my hand was on his. And it felt good to be wanted by someone. Afterwards we had a beer in a dive bar and sat in the car and talked so long the cops showed up to make sure I wasn't being held against my will. And we laughed, or at least he did, because cops make me nervous, even when I haven't done anything wrong. And in the end we shared an awkward but lovely kiss that I wish for every day, because I love the way his hairs tickle my upper lip and how soft his lips are all the time.
This year, everything was squeezed in between being here and getting to there, and I could only be promised half an hour before he ran out of gas. There was no blushing, no beers, no talking and definitely no kissing. There was a squeeze of my arm and an unceremonious "See you later."
Perhaps he was still bothered from the "incident" (his words, not mine) earlier in the day (see "The Cheese"). Why it was bothering him so much I don't know. I think there's something about it that he's not telling me, but I can only go by what he says.
Perhaps things are ending for real. Forever.
Perhaps traditions and rituals can only exist for people that....well, I don't know, but I know I don't get to have traditions. Especially if they involve other people. Because my life is never the same long enough to establish anything by myself, and no one stays in my life long enough to give a shit about making or keeping traditions. A year is a long time. I've never had the same man for more than one December. In fact, there have been few Decembers that I've had any man at all. I have holiday work parties, and I am the one with no date. And this year is no exception. I wouldn't even want to navigate the question, since I'm so terrible at asking the questions I want to ask anyway. There is no sense in trying to find someone else. Because they can't change the way you feel and they can't make you feel loved.
And there is no substitute for the one you love.
Not even after a year.
This year, everything was squeezed in between being here and getting to there, and I could only be promised half an hour before he ran out of gas. There was no blushing, no beers, no talking and definitely no kissing. There was a squeeze of my arm and an unceremonious "See you later."
Perhaps he was still bothered from the "incident" (his words, not mine) earlier in the day (see "The Cheese"). Why it was bothering him so much I don't know. I think there's something about it that he's not telling me, but I can only go by what he says.
Perhaps things are ending for real. Forever.
Perhaps traditions and rituals can only exist for people that....well, I don't know, but I know I don't get to have traditions. Especially if they involve other people. Because my life is never the same long enough to establish anything by myself, and no one stays in my life long enough to give a shit about making or keeping traditions. A year is a long time. I've never had the same man for more than one December. In fact, there have been few Decembers that I've had any man at all. I have holiday work parties, and I am the one with no date. And this year is no exception. I wouldn't even want to navigate the question, since I'm so terrible at asking the questions I want to ask anyway. There is no sense in trying to find someone else. Because they can't change the way you feel and they can't make you feel loved.
And there is no substitute for the one you love.
Not even after a year.
posted by Ocean | 11:43 PM
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