Poof
I'm not sure how to find the words to describe what's going on inside me right now. (trust me, I'll make an attempt, however poorly) There's this cold, dead emptiness that started in my chest and has flowed down to my fingertips. My head feels empty too. I'm not happy, but I'm not sad, or angry. I'm nothing. I am a void. I don't understand it.
It's as though all the crap that's inside me went through some vacuum or emotional black hole. But I wouldn't exactly say it feels good. It doesn't. It feels like nothing. And it's kind of bothersome. What happened to my insides? Overnight I have become an emotional zombie roaming the countryside. And I don't even know how it happened. But I suddenly feel like I really am talking to no one. No one is listening, no one wants to hear. No one wants me to hear them.
I feel like a poof of smoke at a magic show. Necessary for the tricks, but instantly forgotten when the rabbit appears. And if I stuck around too long, people start to cough and rub their eyes. My mind is still working as fast as ever, but it has been disconnected from the rest of me. Am I broken, or am I better? Is it better to not be read all over? Is it better to keep things hidden?
I think that perhaps I really have lost my hope. Because somewhere in the last score of hours, I stopped thinking something magical might happen. I started realizing that this is me. This is my life. I can't get rid of it. I can't fix it. I won't ever be different. Everything kind of turned gray and cloudy, like the smoke. I see the tethers between people being severed one by one, and the last few are the easiest to cut. And the hardest.
All I would have to do is walk away. No one would fight with me or argue or try to convince me to do something different. They would just let me. And it feels strange. It feels indifferent. It feels empty. I am only here because I stubbornly refuse to leave. I planted my feet and dug in and got dragged down the street because I refused to let go. But I'm seeing how badly I've overstayed my welcome. People are starting to cough.
It's as though all the crap that's inside me went through some vacuum or emotional black hole. But I wouldn't exactly say it feels good. It doesn't. It feels like nothing. And it's kind of bothersome. What happened to my insides? Overnight I have become an emotional zombie roaming the countryside. And I don't even know how it happened. But I suddenly feel like I really am talking to no one. No one is listening, no one wants to hear. No one wants me to hear them.
I feel like a poof of smoke at a magic show. Necessary for the tricks, but instantly forgotten when the rabbit appears. And if I stuck around too long, people start to cough and rub their eyes. My mind is still working as fast as ever, but it has been disconnected from the rest of me. Am I broken, or am I better? Is it better to not be read all over? Is it better to keep things hidden?
I think that perhaps I really have lost my hope. Because somewhere in the last score of hours, I stopped thinking something magical might happen. I started realizing that this is me. This is my life. I can't get rid of it. I can't fix it. I won't ever be different. Everything kind of turned gray and cloudy, like the smoke. I see the tethers between people being severed one by one, and the last few are the easiest to cut. And the hardest.
All I would have to do is walk away. No one would fight with me or argue or try to convince me to do something different. They would just let me. And it feels strange. It feels indifferent. It feels empty. I am only here because I stubbornly refuse to leave. I planted my feet and dug in and got dragged down the street because I refused to let go. But I'm seeing how badly I've overstayed my welcome. People are starting to cough.
posted by Ocean | 11:45 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home