Ants

Today I woke up and found ants infesting the cookies in the kitchen. And they seemed to come out of nowhere. Ants are like doubts, they come from nowhere, multipy at staggering rates, and it is almost impossible to get rid of them. It makes me wonder if they are the real life manifestation of what's going on in my head. Because I watch them and I can almost feel the same thing going on inside me. They just run around in circles and never really seem to go anywhere.

Yes, I have doubts. Lots of them. And doubts lead to questions, which I can never ask, because they are either too stupid, too pointed, or too pointless for anyone to really take them seriously. So they stay in my head; Questions and Doubt.

About school. About work. About my family. About where I live. About why I'm here. About where I'm going. About how I got here. About who pays attention to me, who likes me, who doesn't like me, who I like, who I pay attention to, who I don't.

What if I'm getting everything wrong?

It seems like things should go better than they do. I don't get to have things easily like some people. And it makes me wonder if it's because I'm doing the wrong things in the first place. So maybe I'm choosing the wrong schools, the wrong careers, the wrong homes, and especially the wrong people to fall in love with. Because it never works out. Not even a little. I always end up dumped with a broken heart while he trots off into the sunset with some lovely on his arm, laughing together all the way. These bruises aren't supposed to be here. But I keep falling off the happy wagon and I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I'm completely inept at life. And I want to know how other people get it right and I don't.

I want these ants to go away. And the doubts too.