Every Minute

I'm trying to finish this thing that's been haunting me for quite some time now. Over a year, actually. Oddly enough, it's one of the few things I never talk about. Because it's troublesome, and I have a hard time coping with it because of what it does to me, and also because it's inatimate and I shouldn't have to cope with it. It should just be what it is. But of course it's not. Every time I think I am almost done, something happens and it spins out of control again. And sometimes I just have to put it away because I can't stand to pay attention to it. I am crazy. It's true. And I want someone to blame, someone to pin it on. I know just who, too, but I can't do it. Because I am culpable too. I just wish I'd known before what I was getting myself into. I might have proceeded with more caution if I'd had all the facts. But maybe not.

I look at the life I've made so far and try to find the spots I could have fixed things. But it's really impossible. Because it's not about the things I've done. It's about who I am. Over the past 10 years (actually more) I've gone from place to place, person to person, and not done anything twice. (for anyone interested, that's the name of a really great song: 'i never do anything twice') I have lived in four different states, six different towns ranging in size from 3000 people to a million or more. I have had a string of shallow relationships, most of them lasting less than 14 days, and a few better relationships lasting less than 9 months, and been left by each lover in almost 50 different ways. But most of them just stop calling. I've had four and a half different majors and gone to five different colleges. I've been in the circus and lived in a trailer. I've had a dozen different paying jobs and I haven't lived in the same building for more than 2 years since I left my parents' house. Most places I've stayed a year or less.

So maybe everything is always my own fault. Because stability just isn't in the stars for me. I have the gypsy blood and am doomed to forever roam the earth alone. I tried to settle down and get comfortable, but he wouldn't let me. I got kicked out like the filthy beggar I am. I'm a hobo. Is this forever? Is it the "dues" that everyone says you have to pay? I'm tired. I've run out of gas. I don't want to roam anymore. I just want to come home and have someone be happy about it. Someone to take care of me when I need it. I want to sit in front of the fire and listen and be still. I want to sink into a chair and rest. I want the world to slow down. I want to lay on the beach and look up at the stars and not ever have to worry about what time it is or where I have to be next. I don't want there to be a next. I only want a now. Right this minute. Which is every minute.