Old vs. New

Today I spent some time with an artist friend who is married and has two teenage kids. And I ended up spilling my guts about the new guy to her, even though the whole saga is pretty much over. But it still felt good to have someone who knows about it sitting in front of me listening to my craziness. But the thing is, I was pretty calm about it and didn't feel all that bad about it, even though I know I do feel kind of bad about it. How does that work? It's like the outdoor version of me is unable to reconnect to the indoor emotional version of me for any reason. I'm so much smarter when I don't pay attention to the indoor version. When she's locked away where no one can find her. Because she sucks. No one likes her. She's annoying and boring and pathetic. I need to make sure I channel outdoor me more often.

I have to go back to work tomorrow. I haven't been in the office since Thursday. It's odd. I love my job, but I'm perfectly happy not being there. I like being at home doing my own thing. And then the phone rings.

It's the old guy. Jerkface. What does he want? A chat. He wants to hang out tomorrow. Casually mentions that he's going to Argentina in July with his GF. I also happen to know that she's coming to town in a couple of weeks, even though he doesn't know I know. Thanks, facebook. So of course, I'm having a hard time containing my irritation that he's calling me, wanting to hang out. I say 'well, since you're taking another big trip, things must be getting serious, right?'
Him: "Getting?"
Me: "Or is serious. When you gonna make your move?"
Him:.....
Me: "Or are you planning to keep things the same indefinitely?"
Him: "Maybe."
Me: "Most girls don't want to just date forever."
Him: "Who doesn't want to do this?"
Me:....

And in my head I'm screaming at him. Are you fucking stupid? I hate that you treat me like this. I hate that you think that I belong to you even though you have never done a single thing for me to show you care even one iota about me. I hate that you still lie to me. I hate that you somehow think it's okay to do the things you do. And lastly, your girlfriend is a fucking moron. I can't believe she hasn't caught on to your bullshit yet. I have wanted to spill the beans on multiple occasions, and for some reason I haven't. Not because I think it will bring us together, but because I am just tired of the lies and I want her to know what a truly despicable asshole you are. You have been cheating on her since the day you met her, and she has somehow never suspected anything and thinks that you are some gift from god. For some reason, I'd like to let her see that you are just a guy with giant issues who can't manage to have a real relationship with anyone. Lies will always be what you do best.

I also happened to mention the upcoming horse show, and he expressed interest in going. I'm not sure if it was interest in going with me, or just going in general. The interest was such that he thought he might forego a BEER festival for the horse show. He never misses beer.

So in some strange world of his, he misses me and wants to be around me, even though there's no reason for him to want to be around me. At least no honorable reasons.

At least the new guy didn't jerk me around with a girlfriend and a bunch of lies. That's something.