Trapped
I came home from work today and slept for 5.5 hours. And I did it for no other reason than I had nothing to stop me. No plans, no obligations, no conversations, nothing. And now I'm going to be up late and it's going to screw up my time schedule until Monday, because I'll have nothing to get me back to normal all weekend.
My hours were reduced this week, so I'm not working tomorrow. I won't be back until Monday. My paycheck is going to suffer, which means no fun for me in the month of May. And June. I'm feeling a bit trapped. I'm in a job I love, but its also a job I can't make any money doing, so every month I struggle just to make ends meet. Pay the rent, utilities, food, and gas. So every month my savings account gets a little smaller and my student loans and credit card bills get a little bigger and I don't have anywhere to go. I can't get a second job because of the demands of my first job and school because of the need for my schedule to be flexible all the time. Truthfully, I'm not sure I could handle the stress of a second job and still say sane anyway. And I can't quit because it's a job I actually care about and is relevant to everything I want to do with my life. You can't just throw those away for a job waiting tables.
So I'm trapped in a job that is financially a drain, but is important for my career. Like that internship you do in college, except it's not an internship and I'm too old to be so financially unstable. It makes me wonder how I'm going to manage in 20 years, when I'm old and retired and have no money in the bank. I'll end up as a Wal-Mart greeter and a hollow shell of a person who once had dreams and sold out for a paycheck. And is still alone.
I can't do this anymore. I don't know how. I need someone that I can talk to, someone I can lean on, someone I can confide in. And there is no one. I have no one around me that cares about anything I do. I could do the Howard Hughes thing and not come out of my house for months on end and it would make a difference to no one.
But I guess in a way that has already happened. I may not lock myself away, but no one is communicating with me. I might as well be locked up. I guess it's worse. I'm locked in. I can't get out. Everyone holds me in by ignoring everything I say. My work is the only place people respond to me, and it's the only place where I can't talk about any of this stuff. So I'm important to someone only when I'm not myself.
I'm so frustrated. I have tried to reach out and make contact on numerous occasions, and my voice echoes into a long vortex of nothing. So I thought I had friends and I don't. None. Which makes me feel even smaller. A person is nothing without friends.
My hours were reduced this week, so I'm not working tomorrow. I won't be back until Monday. My paycheck is going to suffer, which means no fun for me in the month of May. And June. I'm feeling a bit trapped. I'm in a job I love, but its also a job I can't make any money doing, so every month I struggle just to make ends meet. Pay the rent, utilities, food, and gas. So every month my savings account gets a little smaller and my student loans and credit card bills get a little bigger and I don't have anywhere to go. I can't get a second job because of the demands of my first job and school because of the need for my schedule to be flexible all the time. Truthfully, I'm not sure I could handle the stress of a second job and still say sane anyway. And I can't quit because it's a job I actually care about and is relevant to everything I want to do with my life. You can't just throw those away for a job waiting tables.
So I'm trapped in a job that is financially a drain, but is important for my career. Like that internship you do in college, except it's not an internship and I'm too old to be so financially unstable. It makes me wonder how I'm going to manage in 20 years, when I'm old and retired and have no money in the bank. I'll end up as a Wal-Mart greeter and a hollow shell of a person who once had dreams and sold out for a paycheck. And is still alone.
I can't do this anymore. I don't know how. I need someone that I can talk to, someone I can lean on, someone I can confide in. And there is no one. I have no one around me that cares about anything I do. I could do the Howard Hughes thing and not come out of my house for months on end and it would make a difference to no one.
But I guess in a way that has already happened. I may not lock myself away, but no one is communicating with me. I might as well be locked up. I guess it's worse. I'm locked in. I can't get out. Everyone holds me in by ignoring everything I say. My work is the only place people respond to me, and it's the only place where I can't talk about any of this stuff. So I'm important to someone only when I'm not myself.
I'm so frustrated. I have tried to reach out and make contact on numerous occasions, and my voice echoes into a long vortex of nothing. So I thought I had friends and I don't. None. Which makes me feel even smaller. A person is nothing without friends.
posted by Ocean | 10:42 PM
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