Earthquakes

It seems like the whole world is shaking these days. Haiti, Chile, here, Sumatra, China...are there any places where there aren't any earthquakes? Or should I be surprised that there aren't more of them? It's like they're short spans of time where there's a whole bunch of drama and it doesn't have anything to do with me, and I didn't cause it and I can't change it and everyone is going to be a part of it. So there's something oddly comforting about it. At least, about the one that was here and didn't kill anyone.

The other earthquakes I think are a lot more terrible. The ones that have nothing to do with tectonics. The ones where I feel like my life is falling apart; watching when I carefully construct things, only to watch them be decimated in record time. I build walls to protect myself. All it takes is a few kind words and I start taking them down. So stupid. They need to be thicker. I try to build relationships, and then I watch them fall apart. Sometimes it takes days, months, or even years, and other times it seems to only take minutes. Everything down to nothing. Just piles of rubble with my insides squashed underneath. It's like the San Andreas runs right down my middle. There doesn't seem to be any stability, and I'm not sure there ever will be. If I could somehow manage to be completely content living as a hermit, everything would be still. And quiet. But no, I have to constantly search for other people to round out my life, so everything is constantly rumbling. They prop me up and then kick my legs out from under me. And my wind is gone. And I'm left gasping and wondering what the hell just happened.

And I think it's because I'm so misunderstood. People think I'm something that I'm not. They think I'm needy, clingy, or just plain crazy. I'm probably just nervous. Waiting for the ground to shift. Thinking I have to get everything out before that happens, trying to prevent the inevitable from happening. Like trying to stop the sun from going down. It's going to happen, and it's going to happen before you're ready. And so another person is then roaming around thinking I'm some kind of nut because I don't want the sun to go down yet. And they turn their back on my and I have to start rebuilding the damaged parts and retreat into a world involving my couch, my computer, and my tv. And not much else. Food even starts to be optional. All because I want everything to stop shaking so I can be properly understood.