Conversations

I'm listening to the neighbor have sex again. I think she's gotten laid more times in the last week than I have in the last year. It's kind of depressing. I'm still depressed. Today I found odd thoughts going through my head. Things that have nothing to do with anything. Why did someone paint over the green tiger by my work? I liked the tiger. How much of my life is off the record? How am I going to get to the airport in a month and a half? How will I get home? How am I going to learn Spanish?

I was on my way to school today and started having an imaginary conversation with the boy. It's that conversation that most boys are too cowardly to have, the one where they say, yes, I'm not interested in you any more, even though I led you to believe that I was really into you. And then they rattle of a reason or two for changing their mind. I usually think it's something I said or did or didn't do. Maybe it is.

So the conversation we had in my head went something like this:

Him: You are just so controlling. You can't let anyone else be in charge.
Me: I let you open that bottle of balsamic vinegar, didn't I? Didn't you feel like a big man then? By the way, it was kind of sexy the way you flexed for me before opening it to show me your big biceps. Not my usual thing, but for some reason, I liked it. It was kind of funny and cute.
Him: No. You always want to call the shots. You do your own thing. You call me when you want instead of waiting for me to call you. It's like you do want to give anything.
Me: You know, I've been taking care of myself for a long time now. I haven't had anyone sheltering me since I was 17 years old, and so excuse me if I don't hand the reins over to you after we've spent a few hours together and assume that you have my best interests at heart and that you are still going to be around to attend to my needs once I've gotten used to it. So sue me if I've learned to take care of myself. And god forbid I'm a little bit careful about giving control to someone I barely know. I probably would have eventually, but I suppose if you need immediate control of every little thing, then you've got giant problems that have nothing to do with me, and it's probably a good thing you're getting out now, because I'm not a pet. I'm a person with a brain and a will and things to do. So get out of my way. I have things to take care of.
Him:.....

Then later today I started going over everything again. Everything I said and did, where I could have messed up, what I could have changed. Oddly enough, I kept wondering if there was something weird about the sex. But eventually, I knew that there was nothing wrong with the sex. Not even a little bit. We both had a good time and it was fine. And we were laughing and talking afterward. And everything was fine before hand. And we weren't drunk. And he kissed me before we parted and said I'll talk to you later. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing strange. And then just nothing. And now it's almost a week later and still nothing. Part of me wonders if it's some sort of test to see if I'll wait around or not be clingy or whatever. Part of me thinks it might slip into a friends with benefits thing, which I'm not too keen on. And then there's the part of me that thinks he may have bolted because he was having a great time and was worried about getting too attached. For a guy who has no problem sharing random intimate details of his life, this is definitely an abrupt shift in MO.

The neighbors are done. She didn't get off.