Away
I need to get out of this city. This state. Probably even the country. If I was in a place where no one knew me, it wouldn't be so depressing that I don't have any friends. That no one wants to talk to me. I took a long hot bath tonight and wondered why I don't have any friends. I've lived here since I was 28, so no childhood friends. I don't play team sports (and haven't played any sports for almost 15 years), so no friends there. I'm older than everyone I go to school with, so no friends there. I'm the only single person I work with (except for the guy I think might be on crack--for real), so no friends there. Neighbors? Don't know 'em. So I guess that's it. I can't think of any other places where people make friends. So there's really no point in me being here. I have already failed. Maybe I don't deserve to have friends. Maybe I'm too selfish. Or too weird. But the point is, when I don't feel good, or even when I do feel good, I have no one to turn to. This blog/computer is all I have. No one answers if I call, so I stopped bothering. It's worse to leave messages that never get returned than it is to not even let the phone ring.
On a related note, the boy hasn't called. Or anything. Maybe he just wanted me for my taxes. Regardless, it brings everything back into sharp focus: no one wants me. No one has ever or will ever want me. They are more than happy to sleep with me, and that's where it ends. What is so wrong with me? How is only half of me sufficient? It's like there's this wall around me and everyone wants to climb it and peek inside, but not actually get inside. They want to see the wizard behind the curtain. These are really stupid analogies. But the truth is, I haven't been able to keep anyone interested for longer than a month for something like six years, unless they are only coming around for sex and the occasional cure for outright boredom/loneliness, which leads straight back to sex. And I'm so stupid, I always think they are interested in me as an actual person, and not just someone who gives great head. Or whatever it is. So I guess that's my problem. I'm just stupid. Unbelievably, irreverseably, undeniably stupid. Like goldfish stupid. It's like I can't even remember what happened the last time, so I go ahead and do the same stupid stuff over and over and over and over again. And I keep thinking it's going to be different this time, like the proverbial insane person. I think that he said this or he said that so he's actually into me, right? And then it's not different and he's not really into me. And so I spend the next week (or two or three or four...or years) trying to figure out what went wrong and why he doesn't like me or what changed his mind. Or if he always just thought I was nothing.
So there you go. That's why I should disappear. Go away where no one can ever find me. Not like anyone would ever look.
On a related note, the boy hasn't called. Or anything. Maybe he just wanted me for my taxes. Regardless, it brings everything back into sharp focus: no one wants me. No one has ever or will ever want me. They are more than happy to sleep with me, and that's where it ends. What is so wrong with me? How is only half of me sufficient? It's like there's this wall around me and everyone wants to climb it and peek inside, but not actually get inside. They want to see the wizard behind the curtain. These are really stupid analogies. But the truth is, I haven't been able to keep anyone interested for longer than a month for something like six years, unless they are only coming around for sex and the occasional cure for outright boredom/loneliness, which leads straight back to sex. And I'm so stupid, I always think they are interested in me as an actual person, and not just someone who gives great head. Or whatever it is. So I guess that's my problem. I'm just stupid. Unbelievably, irreverseably, undeniably stupid. Like goldfish stupid. It's like I can't even remember what happened the last time, so I go ahead and do the same stupid stuff over and over and over and over again. And I keep thinking it's going to be different this time, like the proverbial insane person. I think that he said this or he said that so he's actually into me, right? And then it's not different and he's not really into me. And so I spend the next week (or two or three or four...or years) trying to figure out what went wrong and why he doesn't like me or what changed his mind. Or if he always just thought I was nothing.
So there you go. That's why I should disappear. Go away where no one can ever find me. Not like anyone would ever look.
posted by Ocean | 9:45 PM
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