Dead End

I started working on my paper. It's not going very quickly. I'm not one of those people who can stay focused for long periods of time without interruption. So it goes: research, watch tv, check email (which isn't working right now for some reason), check facebook, eat something, play computer games, take a nap, then back to research. All along it should have just been research and more research. And now one day of my weekend is gone and I'm looking at the stack of 24 books I still need to cull through, and think about how long it's going to take to type 17 pages and I feel like it's hopeless. And then I think about the book I'm supposed to be putting together before Monday (pagination, typing, gluing about 200 pages). I have to return the typewriter I borrowed on Monday, so I have to figure it out soon. So yes, I am being crushed by school.

And yet the weirdness of my life continues. I got a facebook message from a guy I met last week. He's the friend of a friend, and he sent me a message to tell me he was "mesmerized" by me. Whatever. I sent back a polite yet funny and somewhat distant message, and he promptly asked me out. He also added that he's older than he looks, which doesn't help his case. I swore off older guys years ago. Anyway, it's a little odd that he's so enamored when he only saw me for a couple of hours with a bunch of other people. I don't even remember what we talked about. Nothing important, I'm sure. I did see him the next day at a gallery opening, and I had another guy with me at the time. Why wouldn't he assume the guy was my boyfriend? He's not, but under normal circumstances, it seems that it would be a safe assumption. Anyway, his enthusiasm brings to mind the other old guy, who in the beginning stared at me as if I was a unicorn or some magical creature and couldn't get enough of me. And seeing as how the other situation turned out, I'm not inclined to repeat myself. At least not in this case.

So I have a bevy of more or less normal guys who want nothing to do with me, and one old guy I barely know who thinks I'm amazing with no basis for thinking so. What is it with the old guys? I don't remember a time when old guys weren't hitting on me. When I was 19, they were 28. When I was 24, they were 38. When I was 28, he was 53. My guess is that this guy is approaching 50, especially since he said he is older than he looks. And most of them are men that don't know me very well or even at all, but somehow they can't stop staring. And they're probably wearing an ugly sweater ala Bill Cosby. Just the way it is.

So back to the research. It's all about memory, and I can't help but think about my own memories as I read the materials. My memories are all jacked up. I've never tried too hard to place them in a context, but I probably already have. It just makes me think about all the stuff I've done in my life and where I've gone wrong. And how my story is most likely going to end with me since there's not a big chance I'll get the opportunity to have any kids. So after everything, I'm just a dead end. Just like the paper.