Troubled Times
Please. Someone tell me what's wrong with me. Because I can't figure it out. Do I not have feelings? Am I not empathic to others? Am I not a good listener? Do I judge? Preach? Am I just plain annoying? Or is it that the circle of friends I roam in is not really a circle at all, but more of a string of points on which I desparately hang on to the end?
I have begun to see a pattern among my friends in that they don't want me around during difficult moments of their lives. As if I might make things worse. Or something. I try to be supportive. I try to make myself available. I try to do things to let them know I care.
But to no avail.
It doesn't even seem to matter what is going on in order for my exclusion to occur. Sick family member. Cheating boyfriend. Disappointing boyfriend. Insensitive girlfriend. Insensitive EX-girlfriend. Heartbreak. Tragedy. Malaise. Depression. Difficulty. Hardship. Whatever. If someone's going through one of them, they forget that I am here and call someone else. Someone else that must be closer, more important, more special, more able to understand, or just less like me.
The things I do don't even seem to make a dent. Bad day? That bottle of wine I got out will go unopened because you changed your mind and don't want to sit with me and vent. Those chocolates will remind you to call someone else. Someone who will inevitably understand you better than I possibly could, even under the best of circumstances. Even phone calls meant to help or lend an ear seem to drift into voice mail and the nether-regions of lost messages and unreturned calls.
It hurts. I mean really. To know that my friends think I'm inconsequential enough to believe that I am no good in times of trouble, to skip me or ignore me as I fade into the background group of "people who will never understand". I fucking try. Hard. Because these people are usually there for me when I need help. It's reciprocation and returning the favor, and they won't let me. I am the desparate housewife, trying to make someone happy just for the sake of making them happy with no success. What is so wrong with me? Why am I always left out of the stuff that makes friends friends? Am I too shallow? Too selfish? Too annoying? Or is it not enough of something?
It hurts. Really.
I have begun to see a pattern among my friends in that they don't want me around during difficult moments of their lives. As if I might make things worse. Or something. I try to be supportive. I try to make myself available. I try to do things to let them know I care.
But to no avail.
It doesn't even seem to matter what is going on in order for my exclusion to occur. Sick family member. Cheating boyfriend. Disappointing boyfriend. Insensitive girlfriend. Insensitive EX-girlfriend. Heartbreak. Tragedy. Malaise. Depression. Difficulty. Hardship. Whatever. If someone's going through one of them, they forget that I am here and call someone else. Someone else that must be closer, more important, more special, more able to understand, or just less like me.
The things I do don't even seem to make a dent. Bad day? That bottle of wine I got out will go unopened because you changed your mind and don't want to sit with me and vent. Those chocolates will remind you to call someone else. Someone who will inevitably understand you better than I possibly could, even under the best of circumstances. Even phone calls meant to help or lend an ear seem to drift into voice mail and the nether-regions of lost messages and unreturned calls.
It hurts. I mean really. To know that my friends think I'm inconsequential enough to believe that I am no good in times of trouble, to skip me or ignore me as I fade into the background group of "people who will never understand". I fucking try. Hard. Because these people are usually there for me when I need help. It's reciprocation and returning the favor, and they won't let me. I am the desparate housewife, trying to make someone happy just for the sake of making them happy with no success. What is so wrong with me? Why am I always left out of the stuff that makes friends friends? Am I too shallow? Too selfish? Too annoying? Or is it not enough of something?
It hurts. Really.
posted by Ocean | 11:34 PM
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