Direction

I had a little bit of a mental crisis today, probably as a direct result of yesterday's thoughts. But I hate this feeling of helplessness. This feeling that my life is out of control and going nowhere. That it's going to be like this forever. I don't know how to change things. It's like I always have a grand plan for how to fix my life and it never really goes anywhere. Like I'll always be living hand to mouth, making decisions like a wild animal. I just want to feel like a normal person. I want to be able to make decisions based on what I want rather than what I can afford. I want to be able to plan my life the way I want rather than by when I have to work next. I want to be able to breathe and enjoy myself rather than scramble up a hill like that guy pushing the rock for all eternity.

The problem is how. I'm not getting any younger and I'm also not getting any closer. I look around at the soccer moms in traffic with their minivans and their power suits and I wonder if they ever feel this way. If this feeling of inadequacy ever really goes away. If there ever comes a time when you have the job and the income and the man and the kids and hobbies and you think boy, I finally have everything I want. Now I can just live my life and be happy because this is it. Now I'm really going somewhere. I have direction and I'm doing good things and making a difference.

Or maybe they feel the same as me. But I wish I could get there and see for myself before I'm too old and it's too late.